Shattered Glass
by Hayyy888
Summary: With her husband in prison Anna Bates is having a hard time coping when her world comes crumbling down. Fortunately she finds some comfort from her past. But there's a catch: Only one person knows about it. This is a fairly dark story about how Anna deals with everything going on around her. Starts in the S2 CS and will continue through(& reinventing) S3. Reviews always appreciated
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes. **

**Also, there will more than likely be spoilers in this story for series three, so watch out if you're reading and haven't seen it yet.**

**This is my first-ever fan fiction, so bear with me, and please review! =]**

**Much Love! xoxo**

* * *

She was shaking. She was shaking worse than she could ever remember shaking before in her life. As she lay there, crying, she shook violently and she knew that sleep would never come.

Earlier that day, the love of her life, her husband John, had been sentenced to death for a crime that he didn't commit. Anna's life had come crumbling down around her in a matter of seconds and she feared there would be no way of repairing it. Everyone kept telling her that there was a way to stop it. They kept saying that they could get the sentencing commuted and that they would find a way to keep John from being killed. However, in her mind, she could not see any way for this to happen. In her mind, she was already a widow. In her mind, she was alone.

Lady Mary had sent her to bed early. However as she looked at the clock in her room, reading 11:34, she knew everyone, both family and staff, would be in bed, asleep. As she lay in her own bed, the day's events kept replaying themselves in her mind. The jury's "Guilty," the judge reading the death sentence, Mr. Murray saying, "It's not a good chance," and most hauntingly, John's whispered "Anna" were all that she could hear.

She turned her face into her pillow as she choked out a sob, a fresh round of tears accompanying it. The fabric was already soaked and she tasted the saltiness of her tears on her lips. She thought about John. She thought about their wedding night and the happiness they had shared together.  
_  
When was the last time I was happy? Truly happy? Before Mr. Bates arrived? _

Many happy things passed through her thoughts but none of them embodied the true meaning of happiness for her. Right now, the only happiness she could think of was being with John. Being held by him.

_I have to think farther back. Happiness. When was the last time I was truly happy before Mr. Bates arrived? When was the last time I didn't have a care in the world? When was the last time I felt most myself when - - -_

She sat up in her bed as an answer came to her mind. She made her way over to the small wardrobe in the room. She grabbed a chair, and hoisted herself onto it. She reached up, grabbed the suitcase from on top, and brought it over to the bed. She opened it up, and softly smiled at the tan cloth bag that was lying inside, exactly where she had left it. She wrapped her shawl around her shoulders, grabbed the bag from the case, and slowly and quietly made her way out of her room and into the hallway.

She made her way down the halls, clutching the bag tightly to her chest for fear that it would make some sort of noise and wake somebody, even though there was no one around. She walked on tiptoes, and tried to avoid every creak in the floors.

Even though she had not been to the room in almost eleven years, she knew how to get there better than she knew how to iron a dress. She could probably get there safely even if she had been asleep.

When she reached the correct corridor, she somewhat loosened her grip on the bag and felt her body relax, but only slightly. She walked on, to the direct middle of the hall and stopped. She turned on her heel, to the left, and stared at the large, wooden, double doors in front of her. She let out a soft sigh.

_What am I doing? Can I really do this after almost eleven years? Will I be able to handle it? Will my body be able to handle it? I'm not as young as I used to be. Even still. This is the closest thing I will have to being happy. This is the only thing that would be able to bring me some sort of comfort. The only thing other than John._

A single tear fell from her eye as she thought about him again. She closed her eyes, and took in a sharp breath. She wiped away the tear, turned the door handle, and pushed the door open.

As she stepped into the room, she glimpsed the mirrors lining the wall, as well as all the furniture piled high. The room was exactly as she remembered it: to this day, no one ever came up here and used it. No one...except her. She closed the door quietly behind her.

She didn't make her way back to her bedroom until shortly before dawn.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also: This chapter is a HELL of a lot longer than the first...almost seven pages on word. Even though it's long, I'm extremely proud of it! **

**In this chapter, we find out what Anna's doing in the middle of the night, as well as a tiny little first glimpse into her past. As for the years and ages and stuff, I just kinda winged it. I don't know when she actually came to Downton, so I just chose an age I thought appropriate.**

**Also, I make reference in this chapter to a piece of technology called a Mikiphone. If you were to look it up, you would see that these were like portable, pocket-sized gramaphones. You would also see that they were not actually invented until the 1920's. However, I'm changing that so that they were made earlier than that so the story would work out, and Anna could have one at this point along the timeline.**

**Again, this is only my first ever fanfic, so bear with me, and feedback would be greatly appreciated! **

**Much Love, xoxo**

* * *

_Spinning._

With her eyes squeezed shut, Anna spun. Around and around, faster and faster, yet she stayed in beat with the music playing. She could feel herself getting dizzy, but she just couldn't stop. The feeling was comforting. She longed to feel something other than the heartbreak from which she was constantly suffering...Anything other than the heartbreak.

What she didn't expect to feel was the physical, excruciating pain shooting up her legs as her ankles gave out, and she fell to her knees on the hard wooden floor of the upstairs ballroom of Downton Abbey. She sat back and hissed through clenched teeth as she welcomed the new sensation.

The room was extremely large, and with the only light source being a dull lamp in a single corner, it was almost completely dark. However, Anna didn't need light to know that her feet, more specifically her toes, were bleeding. She hadn't danced in almost eleven years, and she especially hadn't danced this ferociously, this intensely. She also hadn't worn her pointe shoes in eleven years, until tonight, and was therefore going to pay for it in the morning.

She decided it was time to call it a night, even though it was only one forty-five. The past few days, she had stayed in the ballroom until three or three-thirty, but tonight, she thought she should try to actually get some sleep. She had a long day ahead of her, and it promised to be one of the hardest days of her life...She was going to say her goodbyes to John.

She sighed and stood up, wincing as she did so, and made her way to the corner of the room with the lamp. She carefully took the needle off of the record being played on her Mikiphone. She looked at it for a few moments, thinking about the day she got it. Her parents had given it to her as a "going away" present when she left home for Downton when she was sixteen years old. They knew how much she loved music, and not only music, but dancing as well. They had said they wanted her to be able to do what she loved, anywhere she went. It must have cost them a fortune, but when she had asked her parents about it all they would say was: _It doesn't matter how much it cost us. As long as it brings you happiness when you're in a place where you might not be able to find any, it's all worth it._ Anna thought how true this statement seemed to her now, and she was grateful for her parents' small sacrifice they had made for her.

She pulled her tan cloth bag from underneath the small table on which the lamp set. She sat down on a chair and pulled one of her legs up to her chest. She unwrapped the ribbon of her shoe from around her leg and pulled the shoe off. She dropped both the shoe and her leg to the floor, and then repeated the process with her other leg. When both shoes were off, she examined her feet in the light. Just as she thought, her toes were bleeding. However, it wasn't as bad as she thought it was going to be. She had no problem with blood and she took a small towel from the bag and wiped her feet off.

_This'll have to be thrown out or burned now...If anyone were to see it with the laundry, it would raise too many questions._

She threw the towel to the ground with her shoes and stood up. She took off the light blouse she had been wearing and pulled her nightgown on in replacement. She then proceeded to take off the soft black shorts and white tights she had been wearing, revealing her long, bare legs. She put her clothing and her shoes in the bag, leaving the Mikiphone where it was, pulled her shawl over her shoulders, turned the lamp off, and made her way towards the door, trying her best to stay off her toes.

She crept quietly back to her room in the attics, and once safely inside, she threw her shawl onto a chair and collapsed onto her bed. She carefully put her tender feet underneath the blankets, and laid her head on her pillow.

As she lay there, waiting for sleep to come, she couldn't escape the heartbreak that came creeping back. John's face came to her mind. She always knew that the dancing would be a temporary relief mechanism, but she didn't expect for the aching to come back so quickly. She thought about the coming day, and she thought about saying goodbye to her husband.

Silent tears came from her eyes, and she fell asleep.

* * *

When Daisy woke her up that morning, Anna had a feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. She would be saying her last goodbye. Today was the last time she would be able to talk to her husband.

There was so much that she wanted to say to him. There were so many things that she hadn't even had the _chance_ to say to him. She thought she would have the rest of her life to tell him how much she loved him and not only tell him, but show him as well. In her head, she had planned out all these scenarios: her making him his favorite dinner in a cottage in the village, kissing him in the moonlight, making love to him, having their first child, then their second or third, and just growing old with him by her side, holding her hand. It wasn't until this moment that she really realized these scenarios would never be playing out...they were never going to happen.

_How do you say goodbye to the love of your life? How do you put everything you've ever felt for them into words? How do you say all those words in a matter of a twenty minute conversation in the confines of a jail cell? How do you express all your feelings that you've ever felt for someone...Someone that means so much?_

Even though her eyes felt incredibly dry, the tears began to flow. She pulled herself out of her bed and began to get ready for the day. Her feet ached as she moved around the room, and she noticed they were pretty swollen. That didn't matter to her though. Today, the only thing she wanted to focus on was John.

She was leaving first thing after breakfast. She would do morning clean up, go back up to her room and change, go down for breakfast, and then leave. She didn't know if she'd be able to eat anything, but she thought she should show herself before she left.

As she and the other maids tidied the drawing room, dining room, and library, she tried her hardest to keep herself composed. She definitely got some concerned looks from the younger maids. She wasn't usually this upset, this unprofessional, but sometimes things just got it the way. She knew she didn't look her best. Her hair was probably a mess, she knew her face was blotchy from crying, and she knew she was walking funny because her feet ached. She couldn't help it. She just wanted to get on with the morning, and on to see John.

At breakfast, the room was mostly pretty quiet, and Anna knew it was because of her. Everyone knew she was going to see Mr. Bates today. No one wanted to say anything to upset her, and she knew they could see how on-edge she was already. She just wanted to leave. She barely ate anything; a single piece of buttered toast was all she could handle.

As she put on her hat and coat as she prepared to exit the back door, Mrs. Hughes came out of her sitting room.

"Anna?"

Anna turned at the sound of her name, not wanting to be rude. "Yes?"

"Anna, I just wanted to ask you if you were alright. You barely ate anything at breakfast, and honestly, you look quite dreadful."

"Mrs. Hughes...I'm on my way to go say goodbye to my husband. Do you really expect me to be alright?" She looked down at her hands as she said this, and she could feel more tears building up.

"Well, not exactly. But I do want you to know that I'm here for you. We're all here for you, and we will all support you. Whatever you need." Mrs. Hughes took a step closer to Anna and took ahold of her shoulders. "It's going to be okay."

"Thank you Mrs. Hughes. It means a lot to me that you say that. Really." She looked into Mrs. Hughes' face, and Anna knew that the housekeeper meant what she was saying. It was comforting to know that maybe she wasn't entirely alone in this...that maybe there was someone else out there who was willing to help her through. "I really have to go, if I don't want to be late."

"Of course. We shall see you later." Mrs. Hughes dropped her arms and took a step back, letting Anna pass her, towards the door. "Oh, and Anna?"

Anna turned towards Mrs. Hughes again, leaving her hand on the doorknob.

"Do give Mr. Bates my regards. Tell him...Tell him I'm sorry. And that he'll be in my prayers...always."

"I will." With a soft smile, Anna turned away from Mrs. Hughes, walked out the door, got in the car that was waiting for her, and set off for the prison.

* * *

The cell was cold. As she stared across the table at her husband, all she wanted to do was hug him and kiss him. However, the guard was standing directly behind him, and she knew that was out of the question. She wanted to tell him everything, but she didn't know where to begin. She could feel the tears welling up again, after she fought so hard to keep them at bay.

They had been in the room together for at least five minutes already, and neither of them had said a word. They just stared at each other, not knowing where to start, or what to say that could make things easier.

After a few more moments, Bates shifted in his chair, kicking one of his feet under the table, accidentally hitting Anna's sore, swollen foot. She winced in pain at the contact, and Bates' face instantly shifted into a state of worry and panic. "Are you alright!?" He wanted to reach out to her, but he stopped himself. He knew it wouldn't be allowed.

Her foot was throbbing, but with a great deal of effort, she smiled at him saying, "Yes. It's nothing. It was an accident."

Bates didn't relax at first, but after a few more moments of silent staring at each other, he decided to keep the conversation going. "Will you stay on at Downton?"

Anna looked down as she said, "Who says they'll let me?"

"They'll let you...And you have some money."

Anna scoffed at this statement. She didn't care about the money. She didn't care about any of the material things. She wanted him. He was being taken away from her forever, and absolutely nothing...not even money, could change that fact or make it better. She looked at him, hoping he would be able to see these exact thoughts in her eyes.

Despite Anna's protests, Mr. Bates continued, "Mr. Murray thinks you can keep it...or most of it." Anna shook her head, tears rising to the surface. She couldn't hold it back much longer, and she knew it. "I want you to thank His Lordship for trying to help me."

She looked at him incredulously. Was he really asking her to do this? "Yes, but what he said –"

"He didn't want to say it. And I won't blame him for not lying. Give him my best wishes for the future. I wish all of them well. I don't want you to hold it against Mrs. Hughes or Miss O'Brien—"

At this, she shook her head again. She couldn't understand what he was saying, or why he was saying it. "If you think I can ever—"

"_Even_ Miss O'Brien."

She couldn't take it anymore. The tears were falling now, and there was no way to stop them.

He continued, "We've not been friends, but she doesn't want me here. Please forgive them."

She couldn't believe what he was saying to her. However, she knew that these were his _last wishes_, so to speak, and she was not about to go against them. She loved him, and always would. If this is what he wanted her to do, she'd do it. "I'm not sorry, you know? Not a bit. I would marry you now if I wasn't already your wife...I would."

"God knows I'm not sorry either. Maybe I should be, but...no man can regret loving as I have loved you."

Anna let her own tears fall as she saw John's slide down his cheeks. She loved this man with her whole heart, and in that moment, she knew he felt the same.

Instinctively, they reached their hands across the table towards each other, longing for a single touch, yearning for some sort of closeness.

"No touching!" The guard's booming voice made them jump, momentarily unaware of his presence in the room.

"For God's sake, man, you know where I am bound. How dangerous can this be?" Both John and Anna looked to the guard, pleading looks on their faces. If only he could see how much they both needed this. It was their one last attempt at emotional contact.

Somehow, the guard seemed to understand how much they needed to be together one last time. With a curt nod, the guard looked away, allowing Anna and John to reach for each other's hands as a wave of relief washed over them. Anna relished in the feel of his hand on hers. His large hands gripped her small ones so tightly. She wanted to remember every detail of how their hands fit so perfectly together.

Without speaking their wishes, they both stood up at the exact moment, aching to be closer to each other. John took her face in her hands. She felt his eyes bearing into her soul as she looked into his own eyes, again, trying to memorize every detail. She fought back the tears, trying to be strong.

Then, in barely a whisper, John said, "One kiss...To take with me?"

Anna stepped forward, and then felt John's lips on hers. This kiss was like no other kiss they had shared before. It was urgent. There was something unsettling behind it. Even still, there was more passion, more love, and more emotion in this single kiss than all of their previous kisses combined.

She felt one of his hands still on her face, but she then felt him wrap his other hand around her waist, pulling her closer to him. She went willingly, grasping onto his shoulder, pulling with the same amount of force. She touched his face, savoring every tingle he sent through her body.

The kiss ended all too quickly. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him close. She felt his arms wrap around her as well, pulling her tight. She never wanted to let go. As they stood there, embracing each other for the last time, she couldn't help but cry. This was the man she loved. This was the only man she would _ever_ love.

Anna buried her face in his shoulder and neck, and let out a sob. She felt John's body shuddering against her from the force of his own cries.

They stayed like that for a long time: holding each other, crying. When the guard announced it was time for her to go, she said goodbye, and left without another look back because she knew she wouldn't be able to handle a last glimpse of him. Tears streaking her face, she made it outside the prison, where she collapsed to the ground against the stone wall, sobbing.

She was shaking violently. She felt she was broken beyond repair.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also: Okay, so we're still in the Series 2 Christmas Special, seeing as how so much happens between Anna and Mr. Bates in that single episode.**

**Honestly, I don't know if this chapter is as good as the first two. I feel it's kinda boring. But either way, I like it, and I hope you do too!**

**Thank you so much for the reviews! They mean so much to me! So far, I've had all good ones, and I hope you all keep reading! Thanks Again!**

**Much Love xoxo**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

That night she snuck to the upstairs ballroom, but she did not dance. Instead, Anna sat in the middle of the room, staring at herself in the mirrors along the wall, and listened to the music played by her Mikiphone.

As the music played softly behind her, she thought about what she was going to do after everything happened with John. Ever since the trial and John's sentencing, every member of the staff had looked at her differently. As far as they knew, she was the wife of a murderer…A murderer who had once worked at Downton. To them, she was guilty by association.

However, Anna knew better. She knew that he was not a murderer. He was wrongly accused. John could never kill anyone. He was not that kind of a person. She knew him. She knew the _real_ him. He could never do anything of the sort. And now, he was going to be punished for something that he didn't do. He was going to be punished in the worst way possible: death.

This thought resonated through her head, constantly resurfacing and making itself known, no matter how hard Anna tried to block it out. Every time it came to the forefront, Anna started shaking. She fought to chase the thought out of her mind with other things. She thought about the happy moments she had with John instead. She thought about the day he arrived at Downton, all of their conversations that they had that meant the world to her. She thought about the day he "proposed" to her in the courtyard, as well as their first kiss.

She then thought about the day they got married. She found herself smiling from ear to ear as she remembered their wedding night. Making love to him for the first time was one of the most incredible experiences she had ever had. That night, she found out what it meant to truly be in love, as well as what it meant to truly be loved by another person. She didn't think it was possible, but with every kiss they shared that night, she fell more and more in love with him. That night was Heaven. Lying in that bed with John was something that she will never forget.

She never thought that being a housemaid would bring her such happiness. But as she looked on it now, she could not imagine her life without her job, without Downton, and without John.

That's when reality came back to her and her eyes focused again on her own reflection. The fact still remained: in the very near future, John would be out of her life forever. However, at the same time, John would be everywhere. If she stayed at Downton, everywhere she went she would be reminded of him. Their beginning, end, and everything in-between were at Downton, and she didn't know if she would be able to handle all of that.

It was then that she decided that she had to leave. She couldn't be here without John…It just wouldn't be the same. The reminders of him would be everywhere, and she couldn't live like that. It would be her own personal Hell.

As she looked at herself in the mirror again she realized that the music had ended. She also realized that she was not crying anymore. As she stood up and made her way out of the room and back to her bedroom, she swore to herself that this was her final decision: Once John was gone, so was she. She would be gone from Downton.

* * *

As the search party made their way back to the house from searching for Lord Grantham's dog Isis, Anna decided this would be the most opportune time to talk to Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson together, to give them her notice. She knew Mrs. Hughes was in her sitting room, and when she saw Mr. Carson make his way in there as well, she stopped what she was doing, and made her way down the hall.

As she approached the door to Mrs. Hughes' room, she heard Mr. Carson saying, "As the widow of a murderer she'll have to get used to a degree of notoriety, I'm afraid. And so will we, as the house that shelters her."

She was definitely shocked to hear those words coming from his mouth, and she saw that he was just as shocked to see her in the doorway, obviously having heard what he had just said. As much as she was shocked, she was also incredibly hurt by what Mr. Carson had said. Was that the way they all felt about the situation? Was that how everyone saw her now? "Then let me put you out of your misery right away, Mr. Carson...by handing my notice."

Both the butler and the housekeeper just looked at her. Mr. Carson motioned for her to come into the room, and she did.

"You don't mean that." Mrs. Hughes said to her with a shake of her head.

"Yes, I do...If I stay here, I keep the story alive. If I go away to Scotland, say, or London, it'll die soon enough…I'll just be one more housemaid lost in the crowd." She swallowed back her tears and fidgeted with her hands as she said this.

Mr. Carson looked at Mrs. Hughes saying, "She has a point."

Mrs. Hughes looked at him incredulously, not understanding how he could be saying something like that. "Not one that I accept."

"I mean it, Mrs. Hughes…I do." Anna could definitely feel the tears now but she tried to fight them back.

Mr. Carson left the room, and Mrs. Hughes looked at her with what Anna saw as pity. She couldn't handle the feeling of the housekeeper's eyes on her anymore, so Anna turned around and followed Mr. Carson out of the room, and joined the rest of the staff in the servant's hall.

As she sat down in her regular seat, she couldn't help but think about what Mr. Carson had said. Then, when he came into the room and sat at the head of the table, she felt so ashamed, she couldn't even look at him.

* * *

"What will you do in America?" Anna asked Lady Mary as she buckled her shoe, getting Mary ready for dinner the next night.

Mary had decided to tell Richard Carlisle that she did not want to marry him anymore. Since Carlisle knew about her affair with the Turkish diplomat Kemal Pamuk, Mary had no choice but to move away once she broke off their engagement. Carlisle was no doubt going to spread the story around, and Mary would become notorious.

"What I do here. Pay calls and go to dinners. My grandmother has houses in New York and Newport. It'll be dull, but not uncomfortable." Mary fidgeted with her ring on her finger as she said this, seemingly distracted.

As Anna listened to Mary say this, a thought came to her mind: Lady Mary Crawley was by far the best friend that Anna had ever had. They were close. Their relationship was much more than any other master-servant relationship should be. Along with this, Anna realized that she did not want to lose that friendship. She could not lose the only other person who Anna thought really cared about her. "Milady...I've been thinking. If things go badly for us...I thought I might come with you."

"You mean you won't leave after all?"

"I have to leave Downton, but I…I don't have to leave you." What Anna wanted to say was that she didn't _want_ to leave Mary. Right now, Mary was the only one that supported her, and Anna was not going to let Mary down when _she _needed support.

"But of course you can come with me. You don't need to ask. But let's not give up hope yet."

"No, milady. Let's not do that."

Anna turned and walked to the vanity where she picked up Lady Mary's black gloves. She brought them over to Mary, who was standing in front of her mirror. As she handed the first one to her, Anna asked, "So, Sir Richard's back?"

"I haven't seen him yet. He and Lord Hepworth only just arrived in time to change." Lady Mary said as she pulled on the glove.

"Are you ready?"

"I think so. I know what I have to say to him. It's time."

Anna wasn't sure why but she felt somewhat bad for Mary. Even though she was planning to leave the country, Mary's darkest secret was going to be exposed. Anna also felt guilty because she was partly the reason she had to tell Carlisle her secret in the first place.

Therefore, as Anna made her way downstairs, she was sure she made the right decision in going with Mary and standing by her side, just as Mary had done for her. Even still, it was going to be difficult.

* * *

Once Anna had made her way back downstairs, she decided she should talk to Mrs. Hughes about her decision to go to America with Lady Mary. She knew she had the time since everyone else was upstairs serving dinner.

She knocked on Mrs. Hughes' door, and from inside heard a "Yes?"

Anna pushed the door open as Mrs. Hughes rose from her chair and came around her desk to face Anna.

"I um…I just wanted to let you know that I've spoken with Lady Mary."

"What about?"

Anna fidgeted with her hands as she spoke, insecure and unsure about how to proceed. "About leaving. I've spoken to her, and she says that I can go along with her…To America."

"Oh. I see."

Anna nodded her head. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She fought them back, trying to show Mrs. Hughes that she was strong. She didn't want to seem like she couldn't handle it. "I've always wanted to see America, so at least I've got a plan."

"I suppose so. I still can't be glad you'll be leaving here, but it's good news that you won't be casting off entirely."

"It's only if, um…" Anna's voice cracked as the tears started to rise to the surface. She didn't understand why this was so difficult. She didn't understand why her heart was breaking at this very moment.

"I know. Just so as you know, you're highly valued by all of us, both of you…" Mrs. Hughes took a step towards Anna and took hold of her arm. She gave a soft squeeze as she continued, "…very highly valued."

Anna nodded. It was then that it all became clear. She then understood why it was so hard and why it hurt so much to admit to Mrs. Hughes that she was leaving: Downton was her home. It had been her home since she was sixteen years old. Everyone there was like her family. Granted, she'd still be with Lady Mary, but everyone else she knew and loved would be out of her life. In a way, she was losing everything, her husband just being the first to go.

It was then that Anna lost it. She began to sob. She couldn't fight back the tears any longer and she figured that Mrs. Hughes didn't care how strong Anna was. She cried in front of Mrs. Hughes for the first time. To Anna's great relief and gratitude, Mrs. Hughes stepped forward and embraced Anna. Anna hugged the housekeeper back. Without knowing, Mrs. Hughes gave Anna exactly what she had needed: Someone who cared enough to listen, giving her a shoulder to cry on, and allowing her to let out everything that she had kept bottled up and that no one else had seen.

In a way, Mrs. Hughes helped Anna. That night, Anna didn't dance. She didn't go to the ballroom at all. She went to bed at a decent hour and had a fairly good night's sleep. It was because of Mrs. Hughes' love and support that Anna was able to have faith in her decision to go to America. Surely, if Mrs. Hughes supported her, she'd be able to continue on...

Wouldn't she?


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also: **

**Oh…My…Goodness.**

**I never thought I would finish this chapter. I had extreme writer's block in the beginning, not knowing how to start it and how to really get into it. Eventually, I did, and it ended up practically writing itself, even though it took _forever_. **

**Now, this chapter is really really really long. EVEN THOUGH I don't even have everything that I wanted to have in this chapter. My original plan was to end the Christmas Special in this chapter, but after seeing how long it was already, I decided to end it where I did. I might put the other little Anna scenes from the end of the CS into the next chapter, but I'm not sure yet. I might just proceed into series 3. Maybe you could let me know how you think I should do it. ;p**

**Either way, I am pretty proud of this chapter, and I hope you like it. Again, feedback and reviews are always appreciated, welcomed, and encouraged, so let me know what you think! **

**Much Love! xoxo**

* * *

When she woke up the next morning, Anna felt even more exhausted than she had when she went to bed. She only spent an hour in the ballroom the previous night, and had been asleep by one. She didn't understand it, but she didn't dwell on it either.

She got ready for the day, did her morning cleaning routine with the younger maids, had breakfast, and then carried on with the rest of her daily duties like she would on any other occasion. She found herself to be walking a bit easier, seeing as how her feet were beginning to heal. Her legs weren't as sore, but she knew that was only because she hadn't been dancing as much in the past few days. Once she picked it up again, they would start aching again. That, she knew from growing up dancing.

On top of everything going on with John, she also had to deal with some drama going on below stairs. Lord Grantham's sister, Lady Rosamund, had been staying at Downton for a while, and along with her, she brought her maid, Miss Shore. Every time Anna came in contact with Miss Shore, she seemed to be conjuring some sort of trouble, whether it be between Daisy and Mrs. Patmore, or Lady Rosamund and her beau, Lord Hepworth. In fact, Anna was almost positive there was something more going on with Miss Shore and Lord Hepworth, but she didn't want to say anything if it wasn't true, and she was just reading too much into the situation.

However, that morning, her suspicions seemed to have been confirmed when she had yet another encounter with the two in an upstairs hallway. This time, when she approached them they had been laughing and flirting with each other. They had also been standing especially close to each other. As soon as Hepworth had seen Anna, he turned and retreated back into his room, without another word. Anna continued down the hall, and Miss Shore tagged along saying, "He's still on at me to press his case with the mistress."

Anna had a feeling that it wasn't entirely Hepworth's doing. Something told her that Miss Shore was just as much to blame, maybe even more. "He's very tenacious, I must say."

"You know men." Miss Shore opened a door and proceeded through, after flashing a smile at Anna.

She didn't fall for Miss Shore's smirk and arched her eyebrows at Miss Shore's feeble attempts to fool her. "And I know women, too."

She followed through the door, but tried her best to avoid the maid for the rest of the morning. With John's impending sentencing hanging in the balance, Anna didn't have the patience to deal with her shenanigans, not to mention the fact that Anna didn't really care at that point.

* * *

That afternoon, Anna found some solace as she sat alone in the servants' hall, polishing a piece of Lady Mary's jewelry. She tried to concentrate on the task at hand, but thoughts of John kept flooding her mind. They were still waiting to hear from Mr. Murray about John's sentencing. It was all she could think about.

_Why is it taking so long? Will he be killed or not? I can't take not knowing for much longer. I wonder what he's doing right now. I wonder what he's thinking about. Oh, how I wish I could be with him…hold him, kiss him. _

As she began to clean up her mess, she heard very quick footsteps approaching the room from behind her. As they got closer, she turned around to see Mrs. Hughes enter the room, closely followed by Mr. Carson. They were both panting as if they had been running.

As Mr. Carson stayed by the door, catching his breath, Mrs. Hughes approached Anna at the table, "Anna!"

Anna stood with a confused look on her face. She didn't know what was going on. "Yes? What is it? What's going on?" She looked at Mrs. Hughes and then looked behind the housekeeper to Mr. Carson. He was having a hard time controlling his breathing.

She looked back to Mrs. Hughes. "His Lordship's had a telegram…from Mr. Murray."

Anna's eyes widened in shock at Mrs. Hughes' statement. It wasn't what she expected to hear. She had just been thinking about why it was taking so long to get an answer, but little did she know, the answer had already arrived. She looked back at Mr. Carson, and he nodded.

She was suddenly aware that her hands and her entire body were shaking. As the meaning of Mrs. Hughes' words began to sink in, so did Anna's anxiety. This was the moment they had been waiting for, and it could either be the worst news of her life, or some of the best. She didn't know what to think and her mind was reeling. Anna opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came.

Seeing this, Mrs. Hughes took a step closer to Anna and put a hand on her shoulder. "His Lordship, Her Ladyship, and Lady Mary are all waiting in the library."

Anna nodded in response, still not able to formulate a coherent sentence. Mrs. Hughes gestured for Anna to follow Mr. Carson. He led her out of the room, with the housekeeper following. As they made their way up the stairs and through the hall, Anna's head was spinning.

_What's going to happen? Will John be killed? Will he live? Oh, please don't let him be killed. He's innocent. Please, Lord, let this be good news. I couldn't bear the worst. What is Lord Grantham going to say? Does Mrs. Hughes or Mr. Carson know already? Neither of them looked particularly upset or happy. _

_Oh Lord, I can't do this.  
I can't lose him.  
I can't lose my John._

_Please, Lord, don't take him away from me._

As they made their way into the library, Anna could feel the tears already building behind her eyes. They were tears of fear. She was so scared. She was terrified of what Lord Grantham was going to say to her. Her hands were shaking and she felt as though her knees were going to fail her. She continued her silent prayers, begging and hoping for good news.

They entered the room and Lady Mary walked directly over to Anna, grasping her hand, and leading her over to stand in front of Lord and Lady Grantham, as well as Lady Edith, with Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes coming up behind them. As they stood there, Anna felt Mary's other hand on her back, and felt extreme comfort in the gesture. Anna moved her other hand to her stomach, her breathing becoming erratic as she began to feel more and more nauseated with dread.

She looked to Lord Grantham, and she saw a smile spread across his face as he said, "He's been reprieved. Mr. Bates' sentence has been commuted to life imprisonment."

Anna didn't know what to say. A wave of immense relief washed over her. She let out a shaky sigh, and Lady Mary squeezed Anna's hand in support.

_He's not going to die._

Lord Grantham continued, "The home secretary finds that many details call into question the case for premeditation. The point is…he will not hang."

As Lord Grantham spoke, the relief that Anna had felt was washed away again, just as quickly as it had come, and another feeling of dread became evident once more. _Life imprisonment_.

Of course, Anna was ever-so happy that John was not going to be killed. However, those two words rang through her ears.

_He'll be in prison for the rest of his life. I will never be able to hug or kiss him again. I'll never be able to make love to him. We'll never have children. We'll never have our own home. His home is now a prison cell. _

Somehow, Anna found some courage and she was able to formulate words again. "But it's still life imprisonment…" Even she couldn't tell if she was making a statement or asking a question. The words just came out of her mouth as if she were thinking out loud.

She felt another squeeze of her hand from Lady Mary, as well as a comforting rub on her shoulder. "Don't dwell on that, not now. It's life, not death. That's all we need to think about."

Anna looked to Mary as she spoke and nodded, trying to grasp what she was saying. Not only was she trying to understand, she was also trying to obey and do what Mary had said: _don't dwell_.

"We've a task ahead of us, it's true. Bates will live and he is innocent. In time, we'll prove it, and he will be free."

Lord Grantham's words echoed in her ears. She listened, but didn't hear. She only had one thing on her mind now.

_John_.

"I must go and see him...today. They'll let me, won't they?" She looked to Mary first, then to Lord Grantham, the tears building once more.

"I can't believe they won't. I'll get Pratt to run you into York."

Anna nodded at his words. Then the tears began to fall. For the first time since the entire ordeal had started, since John had been arrested, her tears were not falling because of sadness. They weren't exactly happy tears, but they weren't ones of fear or pain or depression either. In a way, they were relief. John was alive, and he was going to stay alive. And she was going to see him.

All she wanted was to see him.

* * *

As the prison guard led her into the visitation room, she couldn't help but feel the flutter of butterflies in her stomach. The entire drive into York was maddening for her. As she watched out the window, the passing scenery seemed to blur into the image of John's face, and the hum of the car's engine somehow morphed into the sound of his voice. Her heart was aching. She longed to see him more than ever before.

The last time she saw him, she had said what she thought would be her final goodbyes. As the car sped towards the prison, she wanted nothing more than the feeling of knowing that she was wrong. She was seeing him again. She was going to talk to him again. She didn't have to say goodbye.

When the car stopped in front of the stone building, Anna had nearly leaped out of the back seat. She basically ran to the door where she was greeted by the guard.

Now, as they walked through the door to the visitation room, she only wished the guard would move faster. Eventually, they made it through and he moved aside, to reveal John sitting in the middle of the long table. He looked up at her as she came in, and he smiled.

Anna couldn't help but smile back, and sighed in relief at the sight of him. She made her way around the table, and sat directly opposite him.

As she pulled her chair in, she felt their knees graze one another's underneath the table. It sent a jolt through her body, and she felt John's leg move closer to hers, their feet now touching. He moved his foot softly against hers, letting her know he was right there. She moved hers slowly as well, aching for some sort of physical contact between them. She silently thanked the lord that her foot had been healing. Otherwise, this small form of communication would have been unbearable to her, even though she needed it so badly.

For quite a while, the two of them just stared at each other, not saying a word. It was as if their eyes were doing all the talking. John seemed to be understanding everything she wanted to say through her eyes, and in his she could see just how relieved and thankful he was. They had always been able to communicate like this, and in that moment, Anna was grateful for it, because she did not know what to say or where to even begin.

Her heart was pounding in her chest as she looked at him. She could smell his familiar scent from across the table, and she found it comforting. They both had their hands placed on the table in front of them, outwardly mirroring each other. There were only a few inches between their fingers. Anna couldn't help but notice this small amount of space and how she longed to close the gap. However, she knew that she couldn't and she fought hard against the urge, even though she could feel the heat coming off of his hands.

Eventually, Anna couldn't handle the silence anymore, and she had to hear his voice. She said the first thing that came to her mind, asking him, "How do you feel"

He chuckled in response and smiled back at her. She loved his smile and the way his eyes crinkled when he did so. She realized now that that was one of the main things she would have missed, had things gone the other way. "I feel…Well, mainly I feel relieved. I'm grateful that I'm not going to die, but at the same time, I'm not looking forward to spending the rest of my life in here."

He didn't sound angry as he said this, but Anna couldn't put her finger on what emotion it was. He sounded exhausted. "Have you been sleeping?"

He chuckled and smiled again. He raised his eyebrows saying, "Have you?"

At this, Anna felt herself blush, knowing he had a point. He could obviously still see the dark circles under her eyes, even though they had been lightening up recently. She smiled back at him, loving how he knew her so well.

Then, there seemed to be a shift in the atmosphere as Bates' smile faded from his face and he said, "Well, at least now I can catch up on my sleep, since I have nothing better to do in here." He glanced around the room, with a frown on his face.

Anna furrowed her brow at him. She hated when he said things like that, feeling sorry for himself. She wanted him to feel optimistic. She _needed_ him to feel optimistic, otherwise she would lose all her fight as well. "His Lordship means to work with Mr. Murray."

John turned his attention back to her. "Will you stay at Downton now?"

She nodded. "Of course. I'm sorry to let Lady Mary down, but I think I should. And there may be some way I can help them to overturn the conviction. I don't know what I can do, but there may be something."

"I don't deserve you." A hint of a smile played on his lips, but the full thing never showed itself.

"Because we will overturn it…I won't rest until we have you out." Anna could feel her own confidence building as she spoke.

"But it may take years…That's if you ever manage it. So, there's one thing I must ask."

Anna just stared at him, her confidence falling once again. She had no idea what was coming, and she didn't even attempt to predict it. Knowing him, she assumed it was going to be something gallant and selfless that he would ask of her. When he spoke again, she found her assumptions to be confirmed.

"I can't have you…grey faced and in perpetual mourning. Promise me…you'll make friends, have fun, live life."

At his words, she felt somewhat uncomfortable. He had to know that she could not agree to that promise. He had to see that it would be impossible for her. He was her life, and as long as he was in prison, she was going to spend her time trying to find a way to get him out, not making friends. She felt like he was attempting to get her to move on without him, and that was something that she could never do, even if she wanted to.

She hated lying to him, but she didn't want him to be angry with her. Nor did she want him to think that she was going to disobey his wishes entirely. In all honesty, she was going to try to do only half of what he said. She was going to try not to be depressed, or be in _perpetual mourning_, as he put it. However, that was all she felt she could do. Therefore, in her mind, that was all she was agreeing to when she softly smiled and said, "I'll try…I promise."

As she left the prison after their visit, his words and wishes rang in her ears. Through the entire ride home, she thought about her promise. The more and more she thought about it, the more she worried. Would she be able to keep herself from becoming depressed? Would she be able to try and be happy, even though her husband was still in jail? Somehow, the prospect alone felt like it would take a lot of work, and she didn't know if she would be able to handle it. Either way, she would try. And maybe, with the help of her dancing, she would be able to hold her head high with confidence, and support both herself and her husband through this difficult time.

Then again, maybe not.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also:**

**THIS CHAPTER IS SO BAD. **

**Seriously, I hate this chapter, and I legitimately thought about not posting it, and restarting it, but I needed something to kinda talk about the time passage between the CS and the start of S3...**

**Anyways, here it is! I would _really really_ appreciate reviews and comments on this! They mean a TON to me, and really help my motivation and confidence to write more.**

** I have a pretty good idea where I want to go for the next few chapters, but I don't know when I'll be able to post, now that school has started back up for me and I've got a pretty busy schedule. **

**Thank you so much for reading, and I really hope you bear with me through this chapter and on to bigger and better things!**

**Much Love! xoxo**

* * *

**Chapter 5:**

Anna sat still and silent in the third class train compartment as it made its way to the Downton station. She glanced at Mrs. Hughes who sat across from her, immersed in a book of which Anna could not see the title. The two women had not said much to each other in the forty-five minutes they had been on the train, and Anna preferred it that way. While traveling, especially recently, Anna liked to be able to just sit and think, and Mrs. Hughes knew that.

As Anna sat, looking out the window at the world passing by, she thought about what has happened the past two months. Since the night of the servant's ball, so many events took place. Some were exciting, some were upsetting, some were difficult, and some were comforting. However, all of them lead Anna to where she was now: On a train to Downton to prepare for Lady Mary's wedding to Mr. Matthew Crawley.

Anna could still remember when Lady Mary had told her Matthew had proposed…

_After revealing to Lady Rosamund the happenings of her maid with her beau at the servants' ball, Anna and Lady Mary stood at the top of the stairs as Lady Rosamund made her way back to the party._

"_Thank you, Anna. She may not realize it now, but Lady Rosamund will be grateful for what you did tonight. I can guarantee you've saved her from a lifetime of heartache." Lady Mary smiled at her in gratitude. _

_Anna reciprocated the smile. "I hope so, milady."_

"_She will. You did the right thing."_

_Anna nodded. She still wasn't sure. She thought she was doing the right thing, but then when she saw the hurt look on Lady Rosamund's face, she wasn't sure it had been right, and she felt really bad. _

"_I think I'm going to head back down." Lady Mary gestured towards the party downstairs. "Will you be rejoining the party?"_

"_I don't think so, milady. I'll just go and lay out your gown. Ring the bell when you're back upstairs."_

"_Of course." With that, Lady Mary flashed another pleasant smile in Anna's direction, and then made her way down the stairs. _

_Anna then turned and went about her work, getting things ready for Lady Mary's bedtime routine. When she was finished, the party was still going on so she made her way back downstairs. On the way, she was stopped by Lady Grantham, asking her to tell Miss O'Brien she was ready for bed. Once downstairs, she found Miss O'Brien in the servants' hall, along with Daisy. _

"_Miss O'Brien…Her Ladyship's ready for bed."_

_As O'Brien left the room, Anna made her way over to the table and sat down next to Daisy. On the table in front of them sat numerous candles surrounding a type of board game Daisy had found before Christmas, of which the servants had used in on different occasions to try to make contact with spirits. _

"_I'm ever-so glad Mr. Bates is going to be alright." Daisy sounded genuine as she said this, and Anna didn't doubt that she was. Anna liked Daisy. She was a good girl, a kind girl, and Anna definitely saw her as a friend. _

"_Well, he's alive. I think we're quite a way from alright." She gave the kitchen maid a soft smile, and then gestured towards the game on the table. They both put a hand on the free, triangle piece, and a few moments later, to Anna's surprise, the piece began to move. She looked at Daisy, "Are you pushing it?"_

"_No. Are you?" Daisy eyed Anna incredulously as the piece continued to move around the board. "That doesn't make sense."_

"_Yes, it does. 'May they be happy…'" The piece kept moving around the board, and Anna kept her eye on it. "…With my love."_

"_What does that mean?"_

_"I don't know. I suppose the spirit wants some couple to be happy."_

_Daisy eyed her again, smirking, "You were moving it."_

"_No, I wasn't…You were."_

_When they both looked at each other again, they both seemed to realize that something else must have moved the triangle. Anna couldn't help but think that maybe a spirit had actually used the board to communicate, just as it was made to do. They pulled their hands away from the board rather quickly, being shocked by what had just happened right in front of them. _

_As the two women glanced at each other once again, Anna stood from the table, straightened her skirt, gave Daisy another small smile, and then left the room and headed into the kitchen for a cup of tea. _

_About twenty minutes later, when Lady Mary's bell rang, Anna made her way upstairs immediately. She was exhausted from the day and wanted to get to sleep as soon as possible. When she made it to the upstairs hallway, Lady Mary was standing outside her bedroom door, waiting for her. As Anna approached, a smile spread across Mary's face and she pulled the maid into the bedroom by the arm._

"_Oh, Anna!" Mary closed the door behind them, and Anna looked at her in confusion, not knowing what was happening. When Mary turned her face back towards Anna, she was smiling from ear to ear._

"_What is it?" Anna was extremely anxious._

_Mary took a few quick steps toward Anna and took ahold of her hands. "Matthew's proposed!"_

_Anna's moth dropped. She didn't know what to say. She had never seen Mary so happy. "What? When?"_

"_Just now! Outside in the snow! Oh, Anna, it was absolutely marvelous!"_

_As Anna got Mary ready for bed, Mary told her the story of what happened that night. Mary was smiling the entire time. Anna couldn't help but smile too. Mary was happy…truly happy. And as Anna watched her squeal in joy, she felt ecstatic for her. _

_As Anna got herself into bed that night, she really did feel so terribly happy for Mary. Everything that Mary had ever really wanted was at her fingertips. She had Matthew now, and they were going to get married. Just like a fairy tale. But as sleep came and over took Anna that night, she could not help feeling a sense of jealousy. She had everything she could ever want in front of her at one point too. Her happiness was so close to her, and then it was snatched away from under her nose. Why was Anna being punished? Why does Mary get to be happy while Anna has to suffer? Anna felt horrible for feeling the way she did, but she couldn't help it. She missed John. She missed the happiness he brought her. She wanted to be happy like Mary. She wanted to be able to smile from ear to ear like Mary. And at that moment, she couldn't help but feel like that sense of happiness was never going to happen for her._

Now, as Anna's thoughts came back to the present, she felt the same jealousy bubbling within her. Mary was getting married in mere days. Then, they would be leaving on a month long honeymoon, and Anna was supposed to be going with them. She didn't think she would be able to for two reasons: the first, she didn't know if she could go that long without seeing or hearing from John, and second, she didn't know if she could be around all of their newlywed joy for that long. She felt extremely cynical and bitter, but she couldn't change her feelings.

John was still in prison, and she was trying her best to fight and search and figure out a way to prove him innocent so he can come home. She promised him she would, and she would not break that promise. She also promised him that she would try to keep going with life and not be so sullen all the time. She was trying, she really was, but sometimes it was hard to do so.

To prove she was trying, the past two months she had been taking various days off to travel to London to John's mother's house and work on cleaning it out so that they could rent it out as another source of income. This was what she and Mrs. Hughes had been doing today.

As she thought about everything she and Mrs. Hughes had done that day, Anna felt a wave of exhaustion overcome her. She sighed and leaned her head back against the seat. She noticed Mrs. Hughes glance at her, and she smiled back. She then reached to her right to pick the small book that was lying on the seat next to her.

She flipped the book over in her hands a few times, examining the covers and the spine. It seemed to be in fairly good shape. Anna assumed this was because it had been stuck behind a bureau for God knows how long. It was covered when dust when they found it. She then opened the front cover and flipped the pages back and forth. Almost two thirds of the book was completely empty. Only the front had writing in it, which Anna had recognized as names and addresses. She wasn't sure who any of the people inside were, but she would be sure to ask Mr. Bates on her next visit. Ever since she picked the book up back at the house, she had this feeling that it would come in handy…that this book was important. She wasn't sure why, but she just knew that this book could help her uncover some sort of information that would free her husband. She continued to flip through the book's pages some more as the train continued its way towards Downton.

After a small meal, a short conversation about the plans for Lady Mary's wedding, and almost two more hours on the train, the locomotive pulled into the Downton station, and Anna had never been more grateful to get up and stretch. Her legs were extremely stiff, especially after sitting for so long. She hadn't been dancing as much, and just recently she started up again, quite intensely. The past four nights she had spent her time in the ballroom, not getting to sleep until around three in the morning. She was extremely sore, probably worse than before. However, her feet hadn't been bleeding as much as they did in the beginning, and she was thankful for that. She knew that the soreness was normal, and if she kept dancing regularly, the pain would go away as her muscles got used to the stress.

In all honesty, Anna was truly thankful for the dancing. It allowed her some time to really break away from the stress happening around her. When she was in the ballroom in the middle of the night, she was able to be herself without any judgments from anyone. She was able to be free, and do anything she wanted. She had time and space to think about anything and everything.

However, more than once, this had led to extreme bouts of depression for Anna. Sometimes, all she could think about was John, and sometimes, she got so upset, realizing, as she sat in the ballroom, that she really was alone, and that was one of the worst feelings.

That, on top of the girls' happiness, on top of all the duties Anna had as head housemaid and as ladies' maid, on top of trying to stay positive for John, along with all of the stress to find evidence to set John free, was only pushing her deeper and deeper into a hole of depression, and if she was pushed any farther, she was afraid she wouldn't be able to come back out.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also:**

**I really like this chapter. Much much better than the last chapter. Now that I'm getting into series 3, I'm finding it easier to write, seeing as how I've had these chapters planned out in my head for a while.**

**Also, we're getting closer to the climax of the story, which was the first thing I ever thought about for this story, so I'm getting closer to writing that, and I am getting really anxious. I hope I can write it down and give it justice to the scene I have mapped out in my head.**

**Thank you so much for your reviews! They've been wonderful, and they mean so much to me, seeing as how this is my first fic, and I was really worried about it not being good. So please, keep it up, read and review, and be my motivation! =p**

**Oh, and please forgive any spelling/grammar mistakes…It's three in the morning, and my proofreading skills might not be up to par.**

**Much Love, xoxo**

* * *

For the next few days, Anna was extremely busy. From dawn until dusk, she was running around the house non-stop. On top of her usual day-to-day housemaid duties as well as her lady's maid duties, she also had a major role in the decoration and preparation for Lady Mary's wedding. There was so much to get done, and Anna had a part in almost all of it. She had to make sure everything was perfect concerning Mary's dress and her appearance for the big day, as well as the decorating of the house, alongside Mrs. Hughes. She was also given the task of taking care of the majority of the flowers that would be used. She was constantly on the move, and the only time she had to relax was during meal times and at night.

Even then, at night, she spent her time in the ballroom, letting go of her frustrations, instead of actually using that time to relax. This being said, she found herself becoming more and more tired, which made her more and more easily irritated during the day. She found herself becoming more annoyed, angry, frustrated, and even jealous by everything happening for Mary, and she felt bad for it. However, she'd feel bad one minute, then something else would happen or someone else would say something and she'd be back to feeling bitter about the entire situation. She didn't like feeling that way, but she couldn't help it.

She didn't understand why Mary was allowed to be happy and she wasn't. She couldn't wrap her head around why she was being punished when she did absolutely nothing wrong. Along with this, she found herself thinking a lot about the incident with Mr. Pamuk all those years ago. Anna had never done anything like that. _Never_. It was Mary. Why was Mary allowed to be happy _now_, when she had done something so terrible before? Especially when her mistakes had almost been exposed, and almost tarnished the family's name, as well as Anna's? Anna had never done anything to that extent in her entire life. Why was _her_ husband taken away from her and put in jail? Especially when _he_didn't do anything wrong either? Why wasn't she allowed to be happy?

These thoughts constantly made Anna feel very cynical and angry. During the day, she fought hard to keep these thoughts from her mind to make sure she didn't say anything she would regret.

This was one of the reasons she spent so much time in the ballroom. When she was dancing, she was able to think about whatever she wanted. She was also able to think out loud. Sometimes, she would sit in front of the wall of mirrors and talk to her reflection about what she was feeling. She knew that if anyone else knew what she was doing, or hear some of the things she was saying, they would think she was mad, which was one of the reasons why she was so grateful for the solitude of the ballroom.

However, the past few nights, sitting in front of the glass mirrors, these thoughts ended up making her incredibly upset. She became quite depressed as her thoughts wandered to John and never truly being happy with him. She found herself crying more and more. All this joy and happiness around her was really getting to her, and she didn't know if she could handle it. That was why she had decided to not go on the full honeymoon with Mary and Matthew. She would rather stay at Downton, as things died down, and kept going to see John as much as she could.

Because she was becoming more depressed, she was also dancing more intensely. She would spin and spin and spin, making herself dizzy, before collapsing to the ground as her ankles gave out. She would then wait a few minutes, then get up and do it again and again. She would spin and fly around the room, often times closing her eyes to let the music take her wherever it wanted. More than once, she found herself getting extremely close to the walls as well as the piles and piles of furniture that lined the wall opposite the windows and the wall opposite the mirrors. There were tables, chairs, bureaus, armoires, and almost every type of furniture Anna had ever seen stacked up against the walls. They had been there the first time Anna had entered the ballroom when she first came to Downton, and they hadn't been touched since, except by dust.

Dancing like this, she was able to get her frustration and anger out of her system so that she didn't show it during the day when she was always under scrutiny. This was her release in a way. Once she was able to let go of all her angry feelings, she was able to face the next day, where she would let the anger build up again, and then release it all again the next night. She had a system, and for the anger, it seemed to be working. However, sometimes it wasn't as effective for the depression that always came creeping back, along with the constant soreness of her aching legs.

Now, as Anna worked on getting Lady Mary's things together for her night time routine while the family was still having dinner, she felt the sadness creeping up again, as it often did when she was by herself. In an attempt to fight these recent bouts of depression, Anna was trying to go and see John as much as she could. This week, she had already been to see him twice, and she was planning on going again tomorrow. She was somewhat getting used to seeing him in the prison. She knew he didn't belong there, and for a while, going to see him broke her heart. Now, she had decided that feeling bad for him while he was in there wasn't going to help get him out. So during her visits, she swore to herself she wouldn't allow him to see her upset or depressed or frustrated at anything. She vowed to herself that the only Anna he would see was the upbeat, positive, and somewhat stubborn side of her.

That night as the servants had their dinner, the hall was abuzz with the gossip about how Branson's drink had been tampered with by one of the guests. When Anna had heard, she didn't think it was true. How could anyone be so cruel, especially to a person like Branson, who had always been such a nice person? But then, when she went to dress Mary for bed and heard a first-hand account from her, she was forced to believe the story, and she again questioned how someone could do something so awful.

"Why would Mr. Grey do something like that? What did Mr. Branson ever do to him?" Anna stood behind Mary at the vanity, brushing her hair.

"I don't know," Mary shook her head. "It was horrendous. At least Matthew was able to salvage the evening by asking Branson to be his best man."

At this, Anna dropped the hairbrush to the floor. She had not heard that detail at dinner, and it came as a bit of a shock to her. She had not thought Mr. Matthew and Mr. Branson were that close.

She quickly bent down to pick the brush up off the floor, but as she straightened her legs again and stood back up, her legs began to throb with soreness and pain shot down to her ankles. She clenched her jaw and winced at the sensation, but then quickly tried to make it seem as though nothing had happened and Lady Mary wouldn't notice.

However, to Anna's displeasure, Mary had seen Anna's reaction, and being Mary, she couldn't let it go. "Anna? Are you alright?"

Anna went back to brushing Mary's hair. "Yes. I'm perfectly fine, milady." She smiled weakly at Mary in the mirror but soon figured out that Mary wasn't going to buy her silly smirk when Mary raised her eyebrows and narrowed her eyes at her. Sighing, Anna gave in saying, "It's nothing, milady. I'm just a bit sore, that's all."

"Sore? From what?" Mary's eyes widened back to normal again, but her eyebrows stayed raised, in a way that showed curiosity and concern. "From working on the house in London?"

"Uhh.,.No. Not exactly." Anna put her head down and she tried to concentrate on pulling the brush through Mary's hair.

"Then what?" Mary turned around to face Anna directly, forcing Anna to stop brushing, and focus her attention on Mary.

She then looked Mary directly in the eye and felt a twinge of guilt when she saw the deep concern there. Anna took in a shaky breath. She didn't know why she was so nervous. It was just Mary. She wouldn't be upset. She wasn't upset all those years ago when Anna had just arrived at Downton. In fact, when Anna first arrived, she and Mary were the same age and Mary had actually been the one to show Anna the ballroom and give it to her to use. Why was she so afraid now? Surely Mary wouldn't mind.

"I…I've been dancing again, milady." Again, Anna looked down and found occupation by fidgeting with her fingers. After a few moments of silence, she gathered the courage to look up. However, when she did look at Mary again, she was surprised by what she saw. Instead of a disapproving look as Anna had suspected, she found Mary to be smiling at her. Anna couldn't help but smile back. This time, she didn't have to fake it.

"Anna! That's wonderful! Why didn't you tell me before?"

Anna sighed in relief, and shrugged her shoulders. "I guess I just didn't know whether you'd approve or not. No one else knows."

"Why would I disapprove? I was the one that gave you permission to use the ballroom when we were younger."

"I know. It was silly. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry! You love dancing, and you should always be able to do what you love." Mary turned back around and smiled at Anna in the mirror again and the maid resumed brushing Mary's long hair. "So when do you go up there?"

"Oh, only at night, milady. Just like before. I've got so much going on during the day that I don't have a chance to get away until everyone's gone to bed."

"I understand. And your Mikiphone? Does it still work? Do you still use it?"

"Yes, milady." Anna smiled softly at Mary again.

"Good. Oh Anna, this really is marvelous. Since everything happened with Bates, I really have been worried about you. I'm glad you've found something else that's able to give you an escape and some happiness."

"Me too."

"Just as long as you don't take it too far. Don't push yourself too much. And don't forget to sleep! You need your sleep as well."

"Don't worry milady. I'm fine. I know my boundaries."

"Good."

With that, Mary gave another smile in Anna's direction as she said that was all she needed for the night. As Anna made her way out of the room, she felt as though a bit of weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. She was glad that she had someone else who knew she was dancing again. She was also glad that she and Mary had another thing that they could connect over again. Being able to talk to Mary about something other than the wedding was nice, and she hoped that they could continue to talk about the dancing some more. After all, that topic didn't make Anna angry or frustrated at Mary, and that was a relief.

That night, she danced some more, but she didn't have as much anger to let loose. Talking about the dancing had somehow taken away some of her bitterness she had accumulated through the day, and she was thankful for that. She left the ballroom early that night and got a fairly good night's sleep, with the thought of seeing John again the next afternoon.

* * *

The next morning, the house was ablaze with the arrival of Lady Cora's mother, Martha Levinson. Everyone was running around, making sure things were perfect, and for that reason, Anna was glad to be able to get away for a while and to see John.

As the guard led her into the visitation cell, her heart skipped a beat when she saw him smiling at her from the table. She sat down across from him, and began their usual conversation. After their usual _How are you_'s, Anna started in on an actual conversation, not wanting to waste a single minute she had with him. "How are you getting on with your new companion?"

"I don't like him, but so far I've kept it to myself." Anna nodded slightly, noting that he didn't seem to want to continue on the subject. She realized she was right as he continued on, "So...who are the bridesmaids?"

She smiled at him. It was just like him to ask questions that he didn't really want to know the answers to, just to keep Anna talking. "You don't care about all that."

He smiled back at her. "You're wrong. It's the stuff of my dreams! The panic that a dinner won't be ready, or a frock isn't ironed or a gun wasn't cleaned."

Anna smiled at him again, loving him for trying to pretend he was interested. Although, somewhere in her mind, she thought he might actually be telling the truth.

Even still, he continued, "Do you know where you're going for the honeymoon?"

Anna leaned forward slightly in her chair, "Oh, I want to talk about that. They'll stay in London with Lady Rosamund for a couple of days just to get used to each other." She chuckled at her own statement, then smiled bigger when she saw him smiling back at her. She loved seeing him smile the way he did. The crinkles by his eyes were so endearing and she was glad to see that the harsh confines of prison were not able to dull the shine of his eyes. "And then they go to the south of France. I'll hire a replacement in London, and then I'll come home instead. Lady Mary won't mind. I'll pay."

John's smile started to fade and his brow furrowed as he listened to her words. "Why would you do that?"

"Well…to be near you, of course."

"Don't you understand?" He shook his head slightly. "While I'm in here, you have to live my life, as well as your own. Go to France, see some sights. Get us some memories."

Anna furrowed her own eyebrows in confusion, and shook her head. "But I wouldn't be home for a month."

"Then we'd have something to talk about. Go…I insist."

Anna just looked at him, unsure what to say. She didn't want to leave him. She didn't want to go a whole month without seeing or hearing from him. Not only that, she wasn't sure if she'd be able to last a whole month with Mary and Matthew's newlywed bliss, knowing that she never had that. She stared at him, thinking about what he had asked her.

He looked at her again, a look on his face that Anna could not place with any specific emotion. "For my sake."

Again, she just looked at him. However, on her way back to Downton after their visit, she decided that she would do as he asked. Who knew, maybe a month away from the hustle and bustle of the house would do her good. Maybe some time to explore and see the world would help her. She would miss him, of that she was absolutely sure. But there was no point in missing out on something that could be wonderful, especially when she had promised him that she would try to live life as normal as possible.

She was going to go to France with Mary and Matthew, and she would try her best to not be bitter and cynical during the trip. She would try to have fun and see new things and be happy about it. For John's sake, she would try her best.

But what if her best was not good enough?


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also:**

**I love this chapter...I really do. It was really fun to write! I'll admit, it's a bit of a happy chapter, which was nice, but I'm going to warn you, from here on out, it doesn't really stay happy...Just saying.**

**Oh, and thank you so much for your reviews! They've been wonderful, and they mean so much to me, seeing as how this is my first fic, and I was really worried about it not being good. So please, keep it up, read and review, and be my motivation!**

**please forgive any grammar/spelling mistakes. I've proofread this three times, so I don't think there's very many, but just in case, please forgive.**

**Much Love, xoxo**

* * *

Anna wandered around the room gathering Lady Mary's things as she worked to prepare for their journey back to Downton. It was early afternoon and Mary and Matthew had decided to spend the day out together, and Anna took the opportunity to get things ready for their departure from France. Anna was leaving after dinner that night, and Mary and Matthew were following the next night.

She wanted to make sure Mary was all set and able to get by without her the next day. Anna made sure everything Mary would need was set out and then packed everything else. Being who she was, Anna made sure to tend to Mary before herself, even though Anna would be leaving in a few short hours. When she was finally finished with Mary's things, she headed back to her room to pack her own things.

Anna didn't take as many precautions when it came to her own clothing. She didn't have as much as Mary, and she didn't have anything nearly as nice as Mary. Anna's clothes were simple, and that's the way she liked them. Therefore, her main clothing items were packed fairly quickly, which is when she moved on to her dancing clothes: her tights, shorts, sheer blouse, and pointe shoes.

When she was packing before they left Downton, Anna didn't know whether or not to bring her dancing clothes. She wrestled with the question for hours and ended up giving in and packing them. At the time, the winning argument was "what better place to dance than France?" So with that thought in mind, she put the outfit in her case and didn't think about it again.

That is, until she actually got to France. When she was unpacking, she came across the clothing and she had an overwhelming urge to put them on and dance right then and there. However, she set them aside, resisting the temptation, and continued unpacking.

The next day, when she came across them again, she found she could not resist the temptation again. That afternoon, when she had some time to herself, she made her way into town to look for a possible place to dance for the month they were there. She had walked around the town for almost an hour and she had been about to give up hope when she passed by an open door, and heard the sound of classical music coming from inside. Recognizing the song, she backtracked towards the doorway again, listening harder. She looked around in search of a sign for the building, but was unsuccessful in her search.

Then, from inside, a loud, "To the barre, ladies!" caught her attention. Barre was a ballet term that she had heard so many times in her childhood. Without really thinking, she took a step over the threshold of the doorway, and entered into the building. She was in a long hallway where the walls were lined with framed pictures of all sorts of dancers. The music continued but the sound of hurried feet across the floor accompanied the tune for a few short seconds. Then, the music changed tempo, and Anna heard the loud clacking of heels on a wooden floor, paired with periodic shouts of, "Plié!"

Anna continued along the hall, examining the pictures on the wall while following the music, scoping out its source. As she approached the end of the hall, the music and the orders grew louder, and she saw another open doorway. She stepped forward, peered around the corner, and smiled.

The room's walls were completely made of mirrors, all four of them, floor to ceiling. There were wooden floors, and a large crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling. Anna had never seen anything like it before, and she instantly fell in love with the room. Just as she had suspected, there was a gramophone on a small table in the corner, producing the music, as well as a line of young girls in tights and leotards lined up along a barre against the far wall with a rather large, red-haired older woman pacing in front of them, giving commands.

Anna watched the scene for a few minutes, completely entranced. She felt as though she had been transported back to when she was in the same position as the young girls in front of her. She smiled again as she thought about going to dance lessons as a child and as she was reminded of why she loved dancing so much.

Then, the music abruptly ended, followed by a "Bravo, ladies! Well done! Now, lesson's over. See you in two days' time."

Anna barely had enough time to remove herself from the doorway and flatten herself against the wall before a storm of girls came piling out of the room. It didn't appear as though any of them noticed her, or if they did, they didn't say anything and ignored her presence entirely.

Anna didn't even hear the footsteps approaching behind her, and she was oblivious to the person standing behind her until that person asked, "Can I help you," which startled her greatly.

Anna turned around abruptly, struggling to find words. "Umm…Uh, no, not really. I was just—"

"You're a dancer." The woman was not asking a question. She was making a statement, in a very thick French accent.

The woman put her hands on her hips, and looked at Anna. She didn't know what to say, so Anna just nodded her head.

"I thought so."

"How could you tell?" Anna eyed her suspiciously.

"Your ankles." The woman gestured towards Anna's feet and she felt somewhat self-conscious. The woman looked into Anna's face again, and smiled. "They're strong. You ankles and your calves. They're muscular." The woman smiled again, and then waved for Anna to follow her as she reentered the mirrored room she had just left.

For a few moments, Anna just stared. She didn't know what to say. She followed the woman into the room, and took a better look around. It was even better when she was standing in the center of the room. She turned on her heel, looking at everything. The mirrors were so tall, so bright, and the chandelier was just stunning.

"You are English." Again, this was a statement rather than a question and said from behind her.

"Yes." Anna turned around to face the woman directly.

"And what are you doing here in France?"

"I'm a lady's maid. The woman I serve just got married, and we're here for the honeymoon."

The French woman nodded and crossed her arms. "And you need a place to dance."

Anna furrowed her brow. "How did you-"

The woman waved a hand at Anna, cutting her off. "That does not matter. You want to dance here."

Anna just stared. She didn't know what to say. She stuttered over her words. "Well, uh, I mean—"

"You will dance here."

Anna's jaw dropped. She was at a complete loss for words. She didn't even know this woman. She didn't even say anything along the lines of wanting to dance here. He had thought about it since the moment she came in the building, but she hadn't said anything. But somehow, this woman knew what Anna had been thinking. As much as Anna was confused about it, she was also somewhat grateful for it, seeing as how now she didn't have to ask.

The French woman laughed. She smiled, turned and walked gracefully around the room, "My name is Madame Adélaïde. This is my ballet studio." She waved an arm around her head, indicating the room around her. "I teach the art of dance to young girls three mornings a week. You do not seem like the dangerous type so you are free to use the studio any day, any time after one o'clock. After all, you are a lady's maid. How dangerous can a lady's maid be?"

Anna scoffed. "You'd be surprised."

Madame Adélaïde looked at her and raised her eyebrows. She then smiled again. "This is a safe town, so I usually do not lock the building at night. There's nothing for anyone to steal so why should I? Anyways, like I said, you're free to use it whenever you please while you're in town. Now, I must be off. Come and go as you wish."

With that, Anna watched the woman in amazement as she smiled, waved, turned, and left the building. She stared at the empty doorway for a few minutes after the woman left. Then, she smiled and followed the woman's path out the door and made her way back to Mary and Matthew. She ended up returning the next day when she had free time in the afternoon, and then used the studio almost every day for the rest of the month.

Now, as she toyed with her tights in her hands, she couldn't help but think about how worn out they had gotten recently. She picked up the shorts as well and rubbed the fabric between her fingers. She longed to be able to get a new outfit. She only needed one, but with as much dancing as she had been doing lately, the one she had would soon be turned to threads.

She set the clothes down and made her way over to her purse. She looked at the money she kept inside and chewed on her lip as she thought.

_Do I have enough? Could I afford to spend the money on a new outfit? Oh, I'd love to be able to buy new tights. Would I have to tell John? No. I could get the least expensive ones I could find. That would be alright, wouldn't it? Yes, I think it would._

She closed her bag and swung it over her shoulder. She shut the case that sat open on the bed and headed out the door.

She needed to get back before Mary and Matthew did, so she walked fast down the street. She knew which store she wanted to go to since she passed it almost every day while she had been in France. In a few short minutes, she found herself staring through the front windows at the mannequins dressed in leotards. Her heart was thumping, and without another thought, she pulled open the door, heard the _ding_ of a bell, and made her way inside.

It was dark inside the store, the only light coming from hundreds of candles scattered everywhere, and there were red and purple drapes lining the walls. There were racks of clothing and gorgeous displays all around. Anna couldn't decide where to look, so her eyes were darting everywhere.

Then, a short woman with round glasses propped on her nose came out from behind a counter in the corner asking, "Can I help you?"

Anna stepped forward saying, "Yes. I was just looking for some dancing clothing. Ballet."

"Ahh! We have plenty of gorgeous leotards just this way."

"Well, I'm not really keen on leotards. I was really just looking for a pair of tights, some shorts, and a blouse."

"Don't fret. We have those too." The woman smiled and gestured for Anna to follow her. She led her to the back of the store, down a small set of stairs, and into another room, this one even darker. The walls were lined with leotards on hangers as well as blouses, pants, and shorts.

The woman led Anna to the left wall, and pulled a couple pairs of shorts off the wall. One was black, the other a dark blue. She handed the two pairs to Anna, and then moved to the opposite wall and grabbed two sheer blouses, both different shades of light pink.

"Which ones do you like? I'm one hundred percent sure I have the right sizes."

Anna examined both the shorts in her hands and the blouses in the saleswoman's. She liked the black shorts. They were soft, almost velvet, and they were much the same as her old ones. She also liked the lighter pink blouse. Again, it was much like the one she had. She didn't want to change too much. Then another thought came to her mind.

"Which ones are less expensive?"

The woman smiled. "All of them are the same price, and they are all the least expensive in the store."

Anna sighed. Maybe she would be able to afford them. She then smiled at the woman and pointed to the lighter blouse. The saleswoman put the other one back on the wall and asked, "What about the shorts?"

"The black."

"Wonderful." The saleswoman smiled again, took the blue shorts from Anna, crossed the room to put them back, and gestured for Anna to follow her back to the front of the store. Once up the stairs, the saleswoman took the shorts from Anna, and pointed to the left saying, "tights are over there. I'll let you pick those out yourself while I take these up to the counter."

Anna smiled at her and then made her way to the display, picked out a pair of light pink tights, and then made her way to the counter as well.

She handed the tights to the woman, and then something caught her eye. To the right of the counter, there was another, wonderful display. This time, the articles being exhibited were garters.

There were at least thirty different ones on the table, with more stored underneath. There was one that caught her eye in particular. Right in the center, there was a gorgeous black lace garter, garnished with a small blue ribbon tied into a bow.

She took a step towards the table, entranced. She reached a shaking hand out to gently trace the soft lace. She smiled as she touched the fabric, thinking of what John would do if he saw it. Or, rather, if he saw her _wearing_ it. However, the thought soon left her mind as she reminded herself that that would probably never happen. John was in prison.

"You like that? Would you like to buy it?" Anna looked at the saleswoman who raised her eyebrows and nodded at her.

She looked back at the garter, withdrawing her hand. "No. I was just admiring it."

"No! You like it, I can tell!" Anna smiled softly at her. "Here." The woman came out from behind the counter, to the display. She picked up the black garter and made her way back around the counter. "I will give you the garter for half price. You are beautiful, you have a ring, so you are married, and I can guarantee your husband will love you in this."

Again, Anna smiled weakly before saying, "No, no, no. I couldn't do that. He wouldn't even-"

The woman stopped Anna saying, "I insist. I do."

Anna sighed and looked at the garter as it sat on the counter. _I really do love it. It's gorgeous. And I know John would like it. But he won't be able to see it. It's not like I can reveal the garter to him in the visitation cell. Still… It's wonderful. And I have the money. And it'll give me a reason to fight harder for John. It'll be a part of my motivation. Oh, I can't believe I'm going to say this._

"Okay. I'll take it."

"Fantastic!"

With that, the saleswoman totaled Anna's purchase, staying true to her word on the garter being half-priced. The total ended up being much less than Anna expected, and she was grateful. With the package in one hand, Anna quickly made her way back so she could pack the new outfit in her case. As she pulled the garter out of the package, she smiled again. She loved it so much.

She then thought about John again, and her smiled faded. She wished she could go to the studio once more before she left for the long trip back to Downton, but she knew she didn't have time. The entire trip, whenever she longed to see John she would go to the studio and dance, as well as whenever Mary and Matthew did something that annoyed her or made her feel guilty or jealous. Now thinking about it, she realized she had spent quite a lot of time at the studio. However, she didn't regret it. The time away had been wonderful.

Anna packed the garter with the rest of the new clothes and closed her case once and for all. She was ready to get back to Downton, get back to seeing John. The past month had been torture being away from him.

That was all she could think about that night. As she got Mary ready for dinner, had her own dinner, said goodbye to Mary, made her way to the train station, and then finally made her way back to Downton, all she could think about was John. Some of these thoughts weren't exactly happy. She ended up crying more than once along the trip, often times worrying the stewardess.

Her heart ached. She thought about the garter in her case. She thought about John's face. She thought about both of those things together. Then she again thought about how she would probably never be able to see that. She wanted it more than anything. She wanted to be able to lie in bed with John in their own cottage like they had planned. She wanted to kiss him and have him pull off her dress to reveal the garter on her leg. She wanted to see him smile at her like he used to, eye crinkles and all.

_It will happen. He's innocent. He'll be set free. He will. And we'll be free to be together. Like a married couple ought to be….But what if…What if it doesn't happen. What if there's no evidence to be found? What if there is no way to get him out? I would have bought that garter for nothing. There would be no purpose for it. I wouldn't be able to look at it again. _

With that, her heart broke, and a tear rolled down her cheek, just as the train continued to roll along the tracks.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also:**

**This is a short little chapter, but I really like it. We're getting closer to the part of the fic that I've had planned out in my head for months and I'm really excited!**

**Anyways, I think I sympathize with Mr. Fellowes in saying that it's easier to write pain and sadness than it is to write happiness. Don't know why.**

**If you're willing, leave me a review or even just a comment! Every little bit of encouragement means the world to me and assures me I'm not doing this for nothing.**

**and please forgive any grammar/spelling mistakes.**

**Much Love, xoxo**

* * *

The dancing was not working. It was as if the dancing was actually making things worse.

It had been almost two weeks since she had gotten back from France and Anna had been slipping downhill. She was becoming more and more depressed, and she knew it. She could feel it.

So much was going on around her that she felt truly overwhelmed. Since they had gotten back from France, the issue of Matthew accepting Mr. Swire's money had just gotten worse. He was determined to find an excuse to not accept it, and Mary did not like it. That being said, Mary seemed to be taking some of her frustration about Matthew out on Anna. To Mary, it felt like Matthew didn't want to help. He knew the family was in trouble, but he was still reluctant to accept the money and to give it to Lord Grantham. This is what bothered Mary the most. This is what she wanted. And when Mary didn't get what she wanted, she sometimes took it out on Anna.

Mary was constantly in a bad mood, and it seemed as though everything that Anna did was wrong in some way. Anna figured it was just a phase, or Mary's way of trying to adjust to married life. However, with each day, she hoped the phase would end.

She couldn't help it. Seeing Mary so frustrated and having that frustration taken out on her caused Anna to become irritated as well. The fact that Mary had this wonderful man who loved her and worshiped the ground she walked on, yet she seemed to take him for granted bothered Anna the most. Anna would give anything to have John there, by her side. She would gladly have her husband stay true to his heart and trying to do the right thing instead of him being in a prison cell.

Sometimes, Anna just wanted to grab Mary's shoulders and shake her to get her to open her eyes. She was married. Her husband was there, with her. He loved her. He could show her he loved her. They could hug and kiss and laugh and hold hands and be together all they wanted and she was taking all of that for granted, even though Anna's pain and struggle had been displayed in front of her from the day it began.

Whenever Mary started complaining, Anna got extremely annoyed, and it took all of her strength not to become cross. She fought away the anger and irritation during the day, trying to stay professional and most like herself. Then, at night, she would go to the ballroom, and let out all of that built up tension. Then the depression set in.

This is where her thoughts and longing for John came back. This is where she truly realized she was alone and he was still in prison. Before they had left for France, Anna had sent out letters to all of the addresses that were in the book she found in John's mother's house. When they got back, she had only a few responses, none of them proving to be substantial, as well as two letters returned address unknown. When she had visited John and asked him about the two returned letters, he had said that one of the people, Mrs. Bartlett, was actually a friend of Vera's.

She knew from the beginning that this was the reason she had found the book. This _Mrs. Bartlett_ was going to be the only possible chance Anna would have to getting John released. She knew she had to find this woman, get in touch with her, and talk to her about Vera. This was her only chance.

Then, when the letter was returned to her, she felt as though all her hope had depleted. It was as if her outlook on the situation had completely changed, her world had come crumbling down all over again, and she was back to square one.

So she did the only thing she could think of. She wrote to the people who now inhabited Mrs. Bartlett's previous address asking for a forwarding address. She waited for days, teeth on edge the entire time. She prayed and begged God for a reply from these people with a new address. She needed it. It was the only thing she could focus on, and it was the only thing that kept her moving during the day. The idea of something that would set John free was what motivated her to get up every morning.

So the moment Mr. Carson handed her a letter that was not from John was one of the biggest reliefs of her life. She ripped the envelope open without a second thought and found a forward address for Mrs. Bartlett scrawled out in a man's messy handwriting. In her free time that afternoon, she wrote a letter to Mrs. Bartlett and put it in an envelope with the new address on it. With a wish and prayer, she then sent it out with the evening post.

However with every day that passed without a response from Mrs. Bartlett, Anna's faith and confidence fell. She felt as though she was disconnected from everyone else as she waited and waited for a single letter. Yet at the same time, every little thing that happened around her affected her and her mood. Mary was still being difficult and Anna was constantly getting irritated with her. On top of that, it had just been announced that Lady Edith and Sir Anthony Strallan were engaged and were going to be married.

Now, Anna had to deal with not only Mary's married life, but Edith's happiness as well. Anna found it even more difficult with Edith because she knew firsthand how Edith could behave. Therefore, she was even more jealous and irritated at Edith's unbridled joy. Just like Lady Mary's wedding, Anna had been put in charge of quite a bit of the preparations for Edith's wedding, which didn't make the situation any better since Edith's wedding was being rushed.

Everything was piling up on top of each other and being put on Anna's shoulders. She couldn't handle it much longer, and she knew that one day she was going to collapse under all of the pressure.

All she wanted was to be able to be happy as the three girls of the family were. She wanted to be able to hug and kiss her husband whenever she wanted, tell him she loved him, and hold his hand. She wanted to move into their own cottage together and make love to him as his wife. She wanted everything the Crawley sisters had. She wanted it so badly, and that was why it hurt so much more when she realized she would never have it.

As the days passed without a letter, Anna was falling deeper and deeper into a dark hole. She was crying more at night, along with the dancing. She had without a doubt broken in her new outfit she had bought in France, having been dancing every night since they had gotten back.

Each night, she would end up in the ballroom, thinking about John and feeling helpless. She was doing everything she could think of to try to set him free, but it just didn't seem to be working. She was losing all hope and as she danced, these were the only thoughts running through her mind.

Tonight was no different. She had already spent two hours dancing in the ballroom, yet she didn't feel the least bit tired. From the corner of the room, the music continued, getting faster and faster. Almost unconsciously, Anna's body continued to move in time with the music, spinning faster and faster as the melody did the same. As she spun, her vision blurred and the moving room around her seemed to morph into the image of John's face.

Still spinning, she closed her eyes as her tears rose to the surface. She squeezed her eyes shut at she pulled her arms in tight to her sides so she would twirl faster.

Then, she lost balance, spiraled out of control and then directly hit the sharp corner of a large table against the wall.

She shouted in agony as the excruciating pain started at the point of contact on her ribcage and spread throughout her entire chest. She folded at the waist, clutching her torso. She then collapsed to the floor as tears flowed down her face. She winced and shouted again as she sat on the floor, and crumpled against the cold wood.

She was sobbing. She had not felt that much pain before in her entire life. She felt as though her entire upper body was throbbing, and she began to shake as she lay on the floor.

After almost ten minutes of lying on the floor, shaking, and sobbing, Anna forced herself onto her feet, still clutching at her right side. She hit the table with so much force, she was sure that there would be a bruise and she was curious to see if it was already beginning to show itself.

She made her way over the mirror and stood still in front of it as she wiped the tears from her eyes so she could see clearly. When she could see her reflection, she reached down and pulled up the hem of her blouse to reveal her ribcage. There, on her right side, was a bruise, already dark blue and swollen.

She took a step closer to the mirror, continued to hold on to her shirt, and reached a shaking hand out towards the glass. With a single finger, she traced the bruise's reflection on the ice cold glass.

It was then that she realized what the frenzy of the dancing had done to her. She had started dancing as a way to be happy, but it only ended up making her more upset, more depressed. She had hurt herself. She didn't mean to. It was an accident, without a doubt. But all the same, she now had a large black and blue bruise on her chest because of the dancing. She had lost control.

With that, her vision of the bruise blurred as more tears filled her eyes and she began to sob all over again. She let her shirt fall, and placed both palms flat on the mirror, leaning her forehead against the glass as well. She choked out a cry, and sunk to the floor, against the wall. Her entire body was shaking as the throbbing continued. Her knees hit the floor and she was gone.

_If only John could see me now.  
_


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also:**

**Alrighty...I really like this chapter! I hope you do too! This is where the story really starts to differ and kinda "reinvent" Anna's storyline in Series 3.**

**And just a heads up, from here on out, the story won't exactly follow the same story line as the show. Things will be different.**

**As for the ending, I'm thinking there will be around three or four more chapters... EEEKK!**

**If you're willing, please leave me a review or even just a comment! Every little bit of encouragement means the world to me and assures me I'm not doing this for nothing.**

**and please forgive any grammar/spelling mistakes.**

**Much Love, xoxo**

* * *

Anna felt as though half her life recently had been spent on trains. Going here, going there, short trips, long trips, leaving, and coming home. She had become such a regular on the London train that even a couple of the stewards knew her by name. Which is where she was now: on a train to London.

Just over a week after Anna's incident in the ballroom, she had received a letter from Mrs. Bartlett, agreeing to a meeting with Anna. She could not put it into words what she felt when she finally did receive the letter. She was definitely relieved. However, there was more than just that one emotion that flowed through her body. Emotions like guilt. She felt incredibly guilty for making such a big deal about the letter, therefore hurting herself, even if it was on accident.

Then again, that was another reason for the guilt she felt. Since the incident, she had often times thought to herself, and only to herself, that maybe, somehow, someway, her body knew what it was doing and the fall wasn't entirely an accident. She had needed that first bruise as an awakening. To open her eyes to how the stress she was putting on herself and her stressing out about everything around her was becoming destructive to who she was. Yet for some reason Anna could not fully understand, that awakening didn't seem to work as it was supposed to. This also ended up leading Anna to feeling very ashamed.

A fourth and fifth emotion that Anna felt when she received Mrs. Bartlett's letter were nervousness and anxiety. She was incredibly nervous to hear what Mrs. Bartlett had to say. She was anxious to know if what she was going to say would actually be able to help John and be used as evidence to set him free. Then, she was both anxious and nervous to see if Mrs. Bartlett will actually talk to her at all. She didn't know the woman, and she didn't know her opinions and outlook on the situation. She assumed that if Mrs. Bartlett had been Vera's friend, she would take Vera's side and blame John. But then she couldn't be sure what was going through this woman's head.

So as the train moved along its tracks towards London, she couldn't help but feel that mixture of different emotions and thoughts. She was entering into uncharted territory and she was utterly terrified. The only thing on her mind was to get through this meeting with Mrs. Bartlett, hopefully come out of it with something substantial, and to set John free.

* * *

Anna sighed as she made her way into the train compartment once again and winced as she slumped down into the seat. She felt as though the trip to London had been a waste and in a way, she felt empty. She had given Mrs. Bartlett her time, strength, and money and Anna hadn't gotten anything substantial in return. She had nothing left.

She closed her eyes as the train began to move and settled in for the long ride home, thinking about the day's events. Mrs. Bartlett's words rang through her ears:

_Well, it's you're loss 'cause I got nothing to say…_

_She was terrified. She was in a strange mood. Jumpy and fearful, but determined. I remember she had made pastry and she was scrubbing it out of her nails like she didn't care if she took the skin off…_

_I can remember her now, walking away down the street. It was raining. No. Not raining, more like drizzle. And the gas light seemed to catch in the drops and make a sort of halo around her…_

_When I heard the verdict, I thought he'd swing. And he should have if the country hadn't gone soft…._

Anna played the entire conversation over and over again, memorizing every detail, and picturing every eyebrow wiggle and smirk.

Before she knew it, the train was rolling into the Downton station, and Anna was home. There was a car waiting for her, and Anna was grateful because she didn't know if she would have been able to walk up to the house. She was exhausted. Completely and utterly _exhausted_.

She got back to the house with just enough time to go up to her room, change back into her uniform, and be back downstairs for tea before the dressing gong, when she went upstairs and dressed Lady Mary, all the while telling her the events of the day.

Eventually, it was the servants' dinner time. She ate in silence, distracted. She only talked when directly spoken to, and kept it short. When Alfred had asked her to play a game after dinner, she told him she wanted to write a letter, which was true. She wanted to write to John and tell him everything that had happened that day while it was still fresh in her mind.

That night, she put the letter in the box in the hall to be sent out in the morning and went to the ballroom. Feeling as though she didn't have enough energy to dance that night, she sat in front of the mirrors in her nightgown. She felt numb.

_Where do I go from here?_

* * *

Over the next couple days, Anna was busier than ever preparing for Edith's wedding. She was constantly bustling around and always had something on her to-do list.

She had not received a response from John about Mrs. Bartlett. She was sure he would've gotten her letter by now, and she was curious as to why he hadn't answered her yet. That thought kept her in somewhat of a daze as she did her work.

Finally, the day of the wedding came, and that morning Anna had again woken up in an incredibly irritated mood. She hated seeing everyone around her so happy when she had been the same way just a short time ago and it was taken right away from her.

After brooding over the situation for a few minutes, Anna pulled herself out of bed. _The sooner I get up, ready, and moving, the sooner the day will be over._

She made her way over to the mirror in the corner of the room and examined herself. She was thin…Thinner than she used to be. She knew this was another result and consequence of the dancing. As she rubbed her face, she also noticed the circles under her eyes which had been getting darker the past few days as she slept less and less.

She then reached down and grabbed at the hem of her nightgown, pulling it and bunching it up to her chest, revealing her long legs, abdomen, and the place where they met.

Then, she turned her body, revealing her right side to the mirror. There, she saw her bruise from her first fall in the ballroom.

Now, instead of dark blue and purple, it had turned into mixed shades of yellows and browns and the original swelling around it had disappeared. She reached her left arm around her waist and lightly touched the bruise. Not having any effect, she pressed her fingers harder against her skin and winced at the pain she felt. She quickly withdrew her hand and silently cursed herself for touching it in the first place.

She then turned her body again, now exposing her left side to the reflective surface of the glass. She slipped two fingers beneath the waistband of her undergarment, and pulled it lower, revealing a fresh, dark blue and purple bruise on her hip. She tilted her head to the side and examined the color and size of the new mark. She furrowed her brow at it and then dropped her gown back down to her knees. Then, she reached up and pulled the short sleeve of the gown down her shoulder to reveal another bright new contusion. This one was larger, but it wasn't nearly as ugly looking.

Anna stared at the abnormally colored skin and remembered what had happened two nights previous and her second accident. She had been in the ballroom, dancing. She had let the music carry her away to a far-off place, leaving the present world almost entirely. It wasn't until she felt the sensation of falling did she snap back to reality. However, it wasn't soon enough to stop herself from falling against a small dresser, causing the bruise on her hip, and then falling against the knob of an armoire, causing the one on her shoulder.

Just as the first incident, she told herself it had been an accident, but yet again, she wasn't entirely sure that was the truth.

She eventually tore her eyes away from the mirror and got herself ready for the day, for the wedding, and made her way downstairs.

* * *

Anna could not believe what she and so many others had just witnessed. Just as Lady Edith walked down the aisle at her wedding, her groom, Sir Anthony, jilted her. She had been jilted at the altar.

As Anna and the rest of the servants headed back to the house together, Anna kept quiet, simply thinking about what had just happened. Anna had never seen any signs that Strallan didn't really want to get married. In fact, the last time she had seen him, he seemed to be completely happy and excited about getting married again. _When did that change? What happened?_

Anna then felt a large mixture of different emotions. Among them, she had anger. _How could Sir Anthony do that to Lady Edith?_ As much as Anna knew about Edith, how terrible she could be, and how much she was jealous of her for being happy when she wasn't she knew that Edith didn't deserve what just happened. No woman deserved to be strung along and then jilted at the altar.

Another emotion was guilt. Initially, Anna had felt jealous towards Edith, just as she had been jealous toward Mary. Edith was happy and getting married to a man that loved her…or so everyone thought. Anna had also been angry that Edith was getting everything that she wanted…everything that she had in front of her at one point, but was then taken away. Now, she felt extremely guilty for feeling this way in the first place. Edith didn't choose to be jilted. She thought Anthony wanted her as much as she wanted him. However, she was wrong, and Anna felt really bad for being angry with Edith.

But thoughts like that brought Anna to a final, lasting emotion which was a very reoccurring thing in her recent life: sadness. Seeing the turmoil that Edith has just been subjected to, Anna couldn't help but think about John doing the same thing.

_What if John doesn't love me as much as he says he does? What if he hadn't accepted me? What if he hadn't agreed to marry me? I can't imagine my life without him. Even if he is in prison. He is my life, my everything, my other half. He makes me who I am. What if that had never happened? _

Anna also thought about the fact that Edith seemed to love Sir Anthony just as much as Anna loved John. She could not imagine having the man she loved walk away from her by his own choice. She couldn't help but think that he very well could've done so. He didn't have to marry her. He could have denied her. She can't imagine how it would feel. She couldn't imagine how Edith felt at that very moment. She was sad for Edith. She felt terrible for her. She felt she couldn't feel angry or jealous now, because in Edith's eyes, Anna was now the one with the husband who loved her…The husband who hadn't denied her.

But as Anna made her way to the ballroom that night, she couldn't find a reason for her fleeting thoughts that maybe John still had the chance to deny her…That maybe he just hadn't had the opportunity.

_Does he really love me? Does he really want me?_


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also:**

**I love this chapter...love love love love love love love this chapter! It's taken me forever, but it's done and I love it! I hope you love it too!**

**I'm thinking two more chapters after this. I think. I still don't really know how I want to end this story though. We'll see.**

**If you're willing, please leave me a review or even just a comment! Every little bit of encouragement means the world to me and assures me I'm not doing this for nothing.**

**and please forgive any grammar/spelling mistakes.**

**Much Love, xoxo**

* * *

Anna didn't understand. She didn't know what was going on.

She was scared.

For about three weeks now, Anna had not heard from John at all. _Three weeks. It's taken a while to hear from him before, but never this long. Never three weeks._

Anna had not heard a single word. Not a single letter. Not even an explanation, whether it be from John himself or the prison. She has also been stopped from visiting him. She was not allowed to see him, no matter how much she wanted to. No matter how much she _needed_ to.

_I need to see him. I need to hear from him. Why isn't he answering my letters?_

_John, why are you doing this? Why now? When we're so close to setting you free?_

_That's it, isn't it? He's trying to set me free. He's telling me to move on. He's giving up. He's giving up on getting out of prison and he's giving up on us._

_He's giving up on us._

_He doesn't want me. He doesn't love me like he said he did. He never wanted to marry me. We're done. He's done. He doesn't want me to fight for him. He doesn't want me at all._

_What did I do? _

_John._

It was madness. This consumed the entirety of Anna's thoughts throughout the day. Often times, these ideas brought her to tears, causing her to have to hide in corners while she pulled herself together so she could continue working. She was completely distracted, and people were beginning to notice: Lady Mary, Mrs. Hughes, even Mr. Carson.

Mrs. Hughes had even approached Anna about the situation earlier that day.

She had been in the hall downstairs, putting her things away after fixing the hem of one of Lady Mary's dresses. She was thinking of John. She was worrying and stressing out and imagining the worst possible outcomes when Mrs. Hughes had approached her saying, "I'm going out, Anna. I've told Mrs. Patmore, and I think everything's under control for tonight, but—"

That was when Mrs. Hughes actually looked at Anna and saw the tears in her eyes and the worry that was plainly etched across every one of her features. "What's the matter?"

Anna shook her head and tried to smile. "Nothing."

Mrs. Hughes just looked at her. Seeing her expression, Anna knew that the housekeeper knew her too well and she realized she would never be able to fool her. "Except...well, I ha— I haven't had a letter from Mr. Bates in weeks."

Anna could feel her voice begin to give out as the tears rose to the surface once more. She watched Mrs. Hughes give her a slight nod, as if she understood, and she continued, "I worry...I worry that he's being gallant and...trying to set me free. He wants me to make a new life without him."

Mrs. Hughes shook her head as she said, "I doubt it very much."

But Anna didn't understand. _How could she be so sure?_ "Then why would he be silent like this? And stop me visiting?"

"Obviously, I don't know why, but I _do_ know there'll be a good reason."

"Do you really think so?" Again, Anna didn't know how Mrs. Hughes could be so positive when Anna was trying so hard to be the same way but failing at it. Mr. Bates was Anna's husband. She was supposed to have faith that nothing could break the bond, the love, the trust they had in each other. But now it seemed like none of that mattered. Now, it felt like everything was falling apart right before her eyes.

The housekeeper looked at her again, and in a strong, positive voice she said, "I'd swear to it."

Mrs. Hughes approached her, and put a hand on Anna's shoulder, trying to comfort her. But as Anna recognized the kind nature of the gesture and smiled and nodded in gratitude, she could not help the tears that fell from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. The housekeeper smiled back and wiped the tears away before turning around and heading out, leaving Anna alone again with her thoughts.

As Anna went about the rest of her day, she kept thinking back to the conversation with the housekeeper. As much as Anna wanted to believe Mrs. Hughes and find comfort in her words, it was impossible. Anna would continue to tell herself that it was a mistake, that John wasn't the one keeping her away. However, as much as she wanted to believe it, she just couldn't bring herself to do so. It didn't make any sense. And the more she thought about it, the more and more she didn't understand. The more and more she worried. The more and more she blamed herself. The more and more she fell apart.

* * *

Three more weeks passed, and Anna still hadn't heard from John. Six weeks total without a single letter. In the beginning, Anna still wrote to John, almost religiously. But after week five, she had started slacking, and not writing as much anymore. She had lost hope. Her faith was dwindling day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

At night, she sat in the ballroom, in front of the mirror. The music playing in the background, she would stare at her reflection in the glass, watching the tears roll down her face then fall into her lap as she thought about John.

She would think about the early days of their relationship. When he first arrived at Downton and they were only friends with her hoping for something more. She thought about the time he brought the tray of food to her room when she was sick. That was when she really truly knew she loved him. Even though she didn't really believe in love at first sight, she thought she loved him from the moment she met him, but that night was the final straw. That was when she knew. That was when she knew she wanted to marry him.

She then thought about their first kiss, and the night he proposed in the courtyard, not too long after. She remembered how her heart skipped a beat when he told her he loved her in the pub and how he would love her _however, whatever, whenever. _

She vividly remembered the day they got married as if it had just happened the day before. Along with that, she remembered their wedding night and spending it in the room Lady Mary and Jane had prepared for them. She recalled making love to him for the first time that night, becoming his wife in every sense of the term.

_Bodies. Bodies clothed one second, then bare the next. Bodies pressed against each other as they fell into the bed, pulling the blankets over them. Bodies moving together at their own pace, their own special and unique rhythm._

_Hands. Hands all over. His hands on her face, her hands on his chest. His hands on her hips, her hands grabbing at his shoulders. His hands at her thighs, her hands running through his hair. His hands tangled in her hair, her hands at his backside. Their hands laced together in a bond she thought was unbreakable._

_Lips. Lips on lips. Frantic. Lips on her ears. Lips on his neck. Lips on her collarbone. Lips on his chest. Lips on her face. Lips on his shoulder. Lips on her breasts. Lips on his fingertips. Lips on her belly. Lips on his face. Lips on her legs and feet. Lips on every inch of exposed skin._

_Voices. Voices whispering hushed _I love you_'s. Voices mewling. Voices grunting. Voices letting go of soft moans. Voices mixing together in ecstasy. His voice._

Anna squeezed her eyes shut. She could hear him in her ear. She could feel his hands, his arms, around her, holding her. She could see the see the image of his face in front of her, smiling with those crinkly eyes –

_**BOOM**_

Her eyes snapped open and her body froze, tensing up, her heart rate rising and sweat forming in droplets at her temples. As the echo died down, Anna stayed completely still. She searched the mirror in front of her for any sign of movement, but noticed nothing.

After a few more minutes of staying still, the only noise being the music playing in the background, Anna decided to investigate. In one fluid motion, she twisted her body, stood, and turned so she was upright with her back to the mirror, looking at the wide open room in front of her.

She scanned the room for anything out of place, anything that could've made the noise she had just heard. Eventually, she noticed a chair, turned on its side, in the corner of the room, seemingly fallen off of the towering pile of neglected furniture.

She let out a shaky sigh of breath she hadn't realized she had been holding and let her body relax. She was still breathing rather rapidly and shallow as she tried to get her heart rate back to normal.

She took a step back and slumped down to the ground, resting her back and head against the glass mirror. She looked around at the empty room, and realized just that: It was empty. She was alone.

_There's no John. He's not here. He's not speaking. He's not holding you. He has never been in this room._

_He's gone. He was never here at all._

Anna closed her eyes as the tears started to form again and shook her head.

_Stop. _

She bent her neck forward, and then recoiled it back again, making contact with the glass mirror behind her head. **Bang. **

_Stop it, Anna._

**Bang.**

_He's not coming back. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you fighting for him._

**Bang.**

_Just get it into your head. He's given up. So should you. Get back to your life before you were married. Before you fell for him. Before he even arrived._

**Bang.**

_He's just a figment of your imagination. He was never here._

**Bang.**

_He_

**Bang.**

_Never_

**Bang.**

_Loved _

**Bang.**

_You._

**Bang.**

_He_

**Bang.**

_Doesn't_

**Bang.**

_Exist._

**CRACK**

Anna winced as she heard the cracking, snapping, and breaking behind her head. She then felt the pain from the blows start at the crown of her head, spread to her neck, through her chest, and all the way down to her feet. Fresh tears began to fall down her face as the pain got worse and worse.

After a few minutes of no movement except for the tears rolling down her face, Anna decided she had to leave the ballroom. The music had ended and the room was completely silent. She peeled her head away from the mirror and heard the soft clinking of shards of glass hitting the floor.

She slowly made her way upright and looked at the mirror. About two and a half feet from the floor, the glass was shattered, starting from a circular shape in the center, and spreading outwards in a shape that looked like a spider's web.

As she stared at the fissures in the glass, she reached up to the back of her head. She gently brushed the crown of her hair, and more tears fell as she felt a sticky liquid she could only presume was blood.

She turned and made her way towards the door. With every step, her body shook violently as the pain throbbed throughout her entire figure. Once in the hallway, she hugged her chest and felt another wave of pain, followed by another round of tears.

Her eyes, her head were fuzzy and blurred.

The room shook as her feet hit the carpeted floor.

The tears hit the floor beneath her with every vicious shake of her body.

Eventually, she made it to her room. As she closed the door behind her, exhaustion took over and she instantaneously became dizzy. She took two steps and collapsed on her bed, not bothering to change her clothes, not bothering to pull the blankets over herself.

She laid there, eyes wide open, tears falling, staring at nothing in particular. She focused on the ebb and flow of the waves of pain racking her body.

Before she knew it, Daisy was knocking on her door announcing the morning. She got up and got ready just as any normal day.

Because _he doesn't exist._


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also:**

**At first, I wasn't too sure about this chapter. Originally, I was not even going to have this chapter in here, but I thought it would work well, and I'm pround of it. It's a short little chapter, from John's point of view.**

**From here, there will be two final chapters. Hopefully finished by the end of this week. But we'll have to see. Anyways, enjoy!**

**If you're willing, please leave me a review or even just a comment! Every little bit of encouragement means the world to me and assures me I'm not doing this for nothing.**

**and please forgive any grammar/spelling mistakes.**

**Much Love, xoxo**

* * *

Nine weeks.

John had now gone a total of nine whole weeks without a single letter or visit from his wife.

As he lay in his bed, silent and unmoving, he couldn't help but think about Anna. His Anna.

He stared blankly ahead of him at the underside of his cellmate's bunk above him.

_I should have never dragged her into this. She doesn't deserve to be involved with all of this. She's a good woman. A wonderful woman. And I'm such a horrible man for bringing her into this._

_I should have never married her._

_Oh but how wonderful the wedding was. She looked so lovely. So happy. So beautiful. She is beautiful. The most beautiful I have ever seen._

_I love her. I will always love her._

_But I don't deserve her. I never have. I never knew what she saw in me that would cause her to love me like she did._

_But I knew who I really am. And she sees it now._

_She sees how worthless I am. _

_She's realized that I'm not worth it. I'm not worthy of her, I'm not worthy of freedom._

_She's realized it, and she's given up._

_She's done, and so am I._

Above him, John's cellmate Craig shifted in his bunk, causing dust from the old mattress to fall through the grate and down into John's face.

He reached up to shield his eyes from the falling debris. He could feel the tiny particles settling on his forearm.

After a few moments, he put his arm back to his chest and let his eyes readjust to the darkness of the cell. He could hear Craig above him, starting to snore. He didn't particularly like his snoring, but he would take the sound of his snores over the sound of his taunting, teasing, irritating, and aggravating voice, any day of the week.

Often times, that teasing was about Anna and her letters. However, since John had not been getting any letters from Anna recently, Craig now taunted him about _not_ getting them. If it were up to John, Craig wouldn't know about his letters in the first place. But seeing as how they were living in such close quarters, it was hard to hide something like that. It had been hard to hide when he was getting letters, but it was even harder when the letters had stopped coming.

And John didn't need to listen to Craig's taunting and teasing and constantly reminding him of what was going on. John tortured himself enough about it, and he didn't need Craig's provoking on top of it.

It was all he could think about. When they were in their cell, when they were at what the prison called "meals," when they were out in the courtyard getting their "exercise". She was constantly on his mind. There was no way of escaping it.

It was especially thought consuming as John lay in bed at night. He could only think about her. He would close his eyes and try to get some sleep, but the image of her face would appear on his eyelids, and he just couldn't handle it. So he would open his eyes, but her face never left his mind. And eventually, the sound of her voice would accompany it.

He would hear her say "I love you, Mr. Bates" the way she had said it on the road to the flower show, all those years ago. He would hear her say their wedding vows. He would hear her laugh. He would hear her say "I would marry you now, if I wasn't already your wife."

And then he would wonder where that went wrong. He would think about what might have happened to cause her change her mind.

But he already knew. He had always known it was too good to be true. A woman like her could never love a man like him. It just wasn't possible. He loved her, but he didn't deserve to.

He could hear the others at the house, telling her to move on. He could hear them saying that he was not worth it. That all of her work, all of her energy put into setting him free wasn't going to amount to anything. That she should give up and move on.

And as much as he didn't want to, as much as he didn't want to believe it, he could hear her agreeing with them.

And then he would force himself to stop hearing it. He would put his hands over his ears, even though her voice was coming from inside of him. He would curse himself. Blame _himself_.

He would shake his head as the tears formed in his eyes. He would wipe the drops away as they rolled down his face, only for them to be replaced by new ones. He fought to keep sobs hidden away for fear of Craig hearing him.

He would pull out her last letter, and open it. He would read it over and over again, looking for any indication of her doubts in her words. As always, he found none.

And all at once, his doubts, his thoughts, his worries were back at the forefront, and the vicious cycle started again.

_Anna._

Some nights, he would drift in and out of sleep, others he wouldn't sleep a wink, lying wide awake in his bunk until the guard came to announce the morning. He would get out of bed, pretending he had been asleep so Craig didn't know he hadn't slept. Again, he didn't need another thing for his cellmate to taunt him about.

Then, the day would continue on, just as all the others since Anna's letters had stopped coming. He would pretend nothing was wrong because he had been to prison before, and he knew what the other prisoners would say. He knew what they would do.

He would put up a front, but behind that front was everything John held most dear.

He would get through the day as best as he could. He would wince and scream in agony as he was beaten for not moving fast enough because of his knee as well as his lack of sleep. He would fight the tears back as he thought about what his life had become.

Then, at night, when he was back in his cell, he would let the front down. And he would let the tears fall freely. He would examine the wounds and bruises from the day. And he would think about Anna. And he would think that she was right for giving up on him.

And he would think about what she was doing at that very moment.

_Is she sleeping? Is she lying awake? Is she thinking about me? What is she dreaming about? _

_Anna._

* * *

Oh, what little John knew. She was not sleeping. Nor was she lying awake. She was not dreaming. She _was_ thinking about him.

She was thinking of him and falling apart.


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.**

**Also:**

**This chapter is sooooooooooooooo long. 16 1/2 pages on word and almost 5000 words...yeah. But bear with me because this is the first scene that I ever thought of and the one i've been itching to write.**

**So, I hope it sounds good and I hope you like it!**

**One more chapter! EEEEEEEEKKK!**

**If you're willing, please leave me a review or even just a comment! Every little bit of encouragement means the world to me and assures me I'm not doing this fo r nothing.**

**and please forgive any grammar/spelling mistakes.**

**Much Love, xoxo**

* * *

Twelve weeks.

Anna had now gone three whole months without a visit to or a letter from her husband.

She had completely given up. He had, and so she did too.

In many ways, Anna had lost herself when she lost John. She was not the same person she had been before.

Not even close.

In the last three weeks, Anna had become someone that she didn't even recognize anymore. She would stare at herself in the ballroom mirror, trying to find the woman she used to be.

However, no matter how hard and long she searched and searched, she couldn't seem to find a single trace of the old Anna.

In her place, stood an extremely thin, extremely pale, woman. Her cheeks had sunken slightly in their frames. Her eyes had lost their brightness and they were now bordered by dark purple. Her hair had lost is shine and looked dull at the best of times.

She had given up on trying to look professional during the day and as though there was not something wrong. There _was_ something wrong, and everyone knew it. So why try to hide it?

While she worked, she moved slower, not seeming to have the energy she used to have. Her mornings were long and she found herself arriving late to Lady Mary's room for dressing changes. And Mary had noticed, and Anna knew it, but Mary never said anything. Anna figured Mary knew how difficult the situation was and she figured she must be able to see its toll it had taken, just as clearly as Anna saw it in the mirror.

_She only sees the physical toll. She only sees what it's done to me on the outside._

_What about what it's done to me on the inside?_

But Anna didn't really care that people could see. They always saw, but they never speak.

_They're afraid. They don't want to insult me. They don't want to offend me. They pity me. _

_But I pity myself enough already. I insult myself enough already._

She knew she fell. She knew she was still falling. She knew she wasn't the same. And she knew why.

_John._

But she didn't do anything about it. She _couldn't_ do anything about it. If she did, it wouldn't work, and she would end up right back where she was: at the bottom of a deep, dark, and cold hole, without any type of ladder to get her out.

But quite frankly, there was a part of Anna that didn't really _want_ to do anything about it. She welcomed all of the pain she felt. Feeling the intense pain was better than feeling nothing at all.

When she lost John, she lost happiness. She lost herself. Then, she had the dancing. But that had become destructive. And now, it was another source of pain to fill the void.

She didn't want to feel _numb_. She wanted to feel something. She _needed_ to feel something. And pain was the only thing left. The only thing she was capable of.

So every night, she'd go to the ballroom, just as she'd done so many times before. She would dance harder, faster, more ferociously than she had ever thought possible. She would push herself harder and harder. She would dance in ways that made her ankles give out and her toes bend and bleed and her knees buck under her weight, causing her to fall to the floor. And she'd wince a little, but she _liked_ it. She _savored_ the pain. And then she'd get right back up and do it all over again.

She would spin and spin and spin. She would close her eyes and let herself go, going as fast as she possibly could. She would lose her sense of direction, and then she would end up running into the furniture piles. She'd hit them hard, hard enough to knock pieces off the piles.

But she wouldn't stop. She'd wince at the impact, and embrace the pain that would shoot through her body.

She would _bounce_ off of the discarded items and find her way back to the center of the room.

She would repeat the process until she was black and blue all over. Every single part of her body. Her legs, her knees, her hips, her chest, her ribs, and her shoulders as well.

When it was close to dawn, she'd go back to her room and somberly examine herself in her mirror, her bruised body staring back at her.

_He doesn't want me. I don't either._

_No one would ever want me._

The tears would fall as she collapsed on her bed. Sometimes, she'd lie awake, and sometimes she'd sleep for the next hour or two until Daisy came to wake her up.

So she'd get up and begin her day. And she'd wander through the motions. And she'd smile when appropriate, but it was never a true smile.

_I don't think I'll ever smile a real smile again._

* * *

That weekend, the Crawley's were hosting a rather large party of people at the house. It was going to be a full house and the entire staff had been put on red alert and their best behaviors. They would all be given extra work and many more duties. For Anna, she has temporarily been given the title of _Head Housemaid_ to help guide and keep control of the younger maids throughout the weekend.

Everyone was arriving on Friday evening, just before dinner. So when Friday morning came, the house was in full swing and running wild.

Anna went about her morning, getting Mary, as well as Edith, dressed and ready for the day, helping the other maids clean and prepare for the guests, and preparing clothing and other things for dinner that night and the nights to come.

Amidst all of the preparations, Anna had to take breaks to help with lunch, eat lunch herself, change Lady Mary's clothes once more, and change herself for the afternoon.

The rest of the afternoon went on the same as the morning: chaotic, busy, and filled with work. Dusting and washing, and dusting again. Anna had been in the drawing room and dining room five times each, all before 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

When tea time came around, Anna felt more exhausted than she had in weeks. As she sipped her tea, she couldn't help but close her eyes and try to relax.

_I guess I'll actually sleep tonight._

But then her relaxing moment was interrupted by Mrs. Hughes hustling into the room, "Anna? Oh, Anna! There you are! Are you busy?"

Anna looked down at her half-empty cup of tea in front of her, "umm…"

"Oh, good! I need you to head up to the west wing of the second floor and help the younger maids make up the rest of the bedrooms. They have around five more to do, and guests will be arriving any minute!"

Before Anna could protest or ask any questions, Mrs. Hughes had turned, and left the room.

Anna glanced at Thomas across the table, who then raised his eyebrows and smirked.

In that moment, Anna didn't want anything more than to reach across the table and slap him across the face. She could feel herself glaring at him.

_He took John's job. He doesn't deserve it. After everything he's done to the Crawley's, the staff, and specifically John. He's part of the reason John's in prison. _

_He's probably part of the reason John gave up! John didn't want to have to deal with Thomas anymore, so he stopped fighting to get out! He gave up! Because Thomas -_

"Anna?" Her thoughts were cut off and her head turned towards the sound of her name. It was Mr. Carson. "Aren't you going to help the maids?"

"Oh…yes. I'm going now." With that, she picked up her tea cup and drank the rest in one large swallow. She savored the burn she felt from the scorching liquid running down her throat.

She then stood from the table and pushed her chair in. She took one last glance at Thomas and saw another smirk spread across his face, this one larger than the last. She glared as she passed him, resisting the urge for violence.

As she began to make her way up the stairs, her brow was in a permanent furrow. Her blood was boiling, her anger was rising rapidly, and adrenaline was coursing through her body faster than she had ever felt before.

* * *

As she made her way up to the second floor, she tried to calm herself down. She knew she was angry and she didn't want to take it out on the younger maids.

_They didn't do anything. They wouldn't deserve it._

She kept walking, making her way through the house's glorious and magnificent hallways. She was concentrating on controlling her breathing, slowing her pulse, her anger. She was not paying attention to where in the house she was. She knew where she was going. After all these years, her body had memorized its way to the west wing.

But she didn't realize where she was going.

And she didn't realize it until she turned a corner and looked up from her feet, down a long hallway. She stopped dead in her tracks, anxiety creeping up her spine.

At the end of the hallway, was a door. A door to a bedroom.

_Her_ bedroom. _Their_ bedroom.

The bedroom in which she and her husband had solidified their marriage in. The bedroom she had become _his_ in.

But she wasn't _his_ anymore.

And in the hallway outside the room, just in front of the door, stood a maid. She stood still, facing Anna. And Anna mirrored her, just staring at the girl down the hall. And then her mind went fuzzy, and her ears were ringing.

She watched the maid, standing there. And she saw her lips move, and her hand gestured towards the bedroom, but Anna didn't hear. She didn't hear, and she didn't understand.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. She opened them again and the ringing in her ears got louder. And she looked again at the maid, watching her mouth move even more, but again, she didn't hear anything.

And the anxiety increased and her breathing grew faster. Faster and shorter and as if she wasn't really breathing at all.

And then her vision started to blur in front of her. No matter how many times she blinked the blurring would not stop. And the maid in front of her turned into the image of John.

Standing in the hallway, by the bedroom door.

Waiting for her.

Watching her as she came towards him.

Smiling at her.

And she smiled back. And for the first time in a long time, the smile that spread across her face actually felt _real._

As she looked down the hall, _down the hall at John_, she felt this overwhelming urge to run over to him. To hug him and kiss him and tell him how much she missed him and how much she loved him.

And the urge took over.

And her feet began moving of their own accord. They began to take her forward. One foot in front of the other.

She felt herself moving. She felt her feet hitting the ground. She felt her body shake with every step.

But John wasn't getting any closer.

With each step Anna took, it seemed like he was getting farther away from her.

He was fading away.

And her smile faded as well.

And the ringing in her ears began to dull.

And her vision began to clear, only to be blurred again, this time by tears.

And the maid in the hallway appeared before her again, now only a few feet away.

"Anna?"

It wasn't his voice. He wasn't there.

Her mind had tricked her.

"Anna? Are you alright?"

She shook her head, trying to clear it so she could focus. She wiped the tears from her eyes and took in a breath. She concentrated on the maid in front of her.

_What was her name? Clare? No. Not Clare. Marie? No. No, no, no, no. Oh, what is her name? _

She bit her lip and closed her eyes, searching her brain for the right name.

_Usually I'm really good with names. Why can I not remember her name?_

She searched her memory, looking for anything that would help her remember this girl's name.

_Ruth!_

"Yes, Ruth. I'm fine."

_But you're not._

She shook her head, trying to get rid of the small voice inside her head.

"Perfectly fine."

_No. You're not. _

_He's not here. He'll never be here again. _

_He doesn't want you. He gave up._

_After everything you've been through, he gave up. _

_He gave up on you._

"Anna?"

Her head snapped up, focusing on Ruth again. She hadn't realized she'd been staring at the ground. And she hadn't realized the tears falling again from her eyes.

"Anna, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes."

_No._

"I'm okay. I promise. What did you need help with?"

"Well, we have this bedroom here to finish putting the sheets on the bed and preparing it for the guests. Then, we have to head to the East hall and we have four more rooms to do over there. But there's only three of us, and it takes at least two to do a room adequately, and so we can only do one room at a time, and the guests will be here any minute now…Anna?"

She hadn't heard the majority of what Ruth had just said. Her brain went fuzzy yet again when she had gestured towards the bedroom in front of them.

She had glanced towards the door, not realizing it was open. But then she couldn't take her eyes from the room. She had a perfect view of the bed and her memories ran wild, thinking of that single, perfect night she and John had spent in the room.

She remembered every detail. And as she stared into the room now, she began to see the candles everywhere. And then John appeared on the bed. It was as if he was beckoning her to join him.

And she wanted to. She wanted to more than anything.

More tears welled up in her eyes. And John began to fade yet again. And those tears began to fall down her face. And Anna couldn't hold it in any longer. She couldn't hold in the tears, she couldn't hold in the sadness, or the anger, or the frustration, or the depression.

_I can't do this anymore._

"Anna?"

Her head snapped back to the maid. Her face was one of pure concern.

"Anna, you're crying. Are you absolutely sure you're alright?"

This time, Anna didn't wipe the tears away. She let them fall, and she let them fall freely.

She shook her head. She took in a few shaky breaths.

_No. _

"You know, umm…well, I thought I was okay." More shaky breaths. "But…I really don't think I am. No, I _know_ I'm not."

She shook her head again, and she couldn't hold back the sobs that were now rising to the surface. She felt as though she was choking on the air around her.

She looked again at Ruth standing in front of her. The maid's face had now turned to fear and pity.

"He's gone. He gave up." Her voice began to rise through the sobs. Her blood was boiling yet again, and there was no way of stopping it this time. "He gave up on _himself_. He gave up on _me_. He gave up on _us_! How could he do that!? _Why_ would he do that!? After everything we've been through! I thought we would be able to survive anything!"

_I thought we'd be able to survive anything._

"Anna? Who gave up? Who are you talking about?" Ruth took a few steps forward, closing the gap between her and Anna.

_How could he? How could he just give up like that? I gave him everything! _

_I loved him! I gave him all of me! I let him in even though he didn't want me! _

_He never wanted me._

_How could he just give up? How could he lie to me like he did? _

_He lied to me._

Anna didn't notice the shortening gap between them. She was lost in her own thoughts, her own anger, her own frustration. It was bubbling over and she couldn't stop it.

So when Ruth came forward and placed a hand on Anna's shoulder, Anna flinched violently and was brought back to the present.

Ruth's face had turned to what looked like pure terror, and there were tears in her eyes as well.

Anna shook her head again. "I'm sorry, Ruth…I, umm—I have to go."

With that, she turned and walked away, with a strong ferocity in her steps. And the ringing in her ears began again and the tears continued to fall.

She had one destination in her mind and she was not going to stop until she got there.

* * *

She didn't know how long she had been there. It had felt like five minutes, but she was sure it was much more than that.

_Maybe an hour? Two? _

The music had ended long ago.

And she knew she'd be needed for dinner. And she knew she had a ton of other things to do.

But she couldn't move. Her body, her mind, wouldn't let her.

She sat silent on the floor of the ballroom, next to the mirror. She was staring into the part of the mirror that she had shattered with her head.

She stared into the glass, seeing the cracks spread across her face. Because that was how she felt: shattered, and broken, and beyond repair.

And she rocked her form as she sat there, arms pulling her knees close to her chest.

_Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth._

_He doesn't love me. He never loved me. He lied to me!_

_He __**lied**__ to me, and he __**used**__ me!_

_And he gave up!_

_How could he just give up!? After everything!_

_He said he loved me! He promised me! We vowed it to each other!_

_He __**lied**__! _

Then, she was up on her feet. She looked in the mirror again at herself. Her face was bright red with rage.

_How __**could**__ he?_

Her hands curled into fists and they began to shake. The anger was spreading throughout her body.

She kicked off her shoes and began to pace.

Her feet slid across the wooden floors, fast paced and silent.

She felt like she was going to explode. There was so much that she had held inside. So much that she kept to herself and never told anyone.

And now, all of those pent-up emotions and thoughts were bursting at her seems, and there was no way to hold them back.

* * *

As she walked down the upstairs hallway, Mrs. Hughes had absolutely no idea that there was something wrong.

While everyone was preparing for dinner, she thought she would make one last sweep through the house to make sure everything was in order for the guests. And as far as she could tell, the house seemed impeccable. Everything appeared to be in order and prepared to the correct standards of the house.

It wasn't until a concerned-looking Lady Mary Crawley approached her that something seemed to be amiss.

"Ah! Mrs. Hughes! Have you seen Anna?"

"Anna, Milady?"

"Yes. Anna. The dressing gong was rung an hour ago and she hasn't been to my room yet. Edith hasn't seen her either. Do you know where she might be?"

Mrs. Hughes really didn't know where Anna could be. "Well, milady, I asked her to help the younger maids to finish preparing the bedrooms for this weekend's guests, and she went, but that was over an hour and a half ago. And the younger maids have all returned downstairs since then."

The housekeeper didn't understand where Anna could have gone and why she would just disappear like this. It wasn't like her.

"Could she be downstairs now?"

"It's possible. I'll go down now and check."

With that, Mrs. Hughes turned on her heel and headed back down the hall. But she felt a presence behind her so she turned around to find Lady Mary just behind her. "Milady?"

"I'm coming with you, if you don't mind."

"Really, milady, it's no trouble. There's no need for you to come all the way downstairs."

"I want to. This isn't like Anna. She would never go missing like this. Something's wrong."

Mrs. Hughes gave a curt nod. "Yes, milady."

She turned and led the way downstairs. Once there, the Housekeeper and Mary searched the servant's hall and the kitchen with no sign of her. They asked Mr. Carson, Mrs. Patmore, and the majority of the staff if they had seen her.

None of them had.

Mary now had a look of pure fear on her face. She was worried. "What about her room?"

Again, Mrs. Hughes gave another nod and led the way back upstairs, this time to the attics, to check Anna's room.

On their way up the stairs, they ran into the three younger maids, Ruth at the front of the group.

"Oh! Ruth! You wouldn't happen to know where Anna went after she helped you with the bedrooms, do you?"

The young girl and the two behind her looked absolutely terrified. Ruth's face lost all color.

"Ruth?"

The girl swallowed and took a breath before saying, "She…she didn't help us with the bedrooms."

"What do you mean she didn't help you? I asked her to, and I saw her leave, up the stairs, on her way to you."

"Well, she came upstairs. I was waiting in the hallway for her. She came upstairs but then she got really weird. She started crying and she was shaking. She said she was fine, but she didn't look alright. She kept saying something about giving up. And about how someone had lied to her. But then she said she had to go and she left."

The housekeeper turned and looked at Lady Mary, her expression of concern only growing in severity. They needed no words to understand the importance and urgency of the situation.

They both pushed past the maids to hurry up the stairs.

Once in the attic hallway, the housekeeper knocked on the door a few times with no answer before opening the door to find the room empty.

Exasperated, Mrs. Hughes closed the door and sighed, throwing her arms up in defeat. "Oh, heavens! Where could she be!?"

The two women stared at each other, at the floor, and at the walls before it finally dawned on Lady Mary where Anna _must_ be.

"The ballroom."

* * *

She was _**angry**_.

More angry then she could ever remember being before in her life.

She could not get the thought of John's broken promises and lies out of her head.

_How __**could**__ he!?_

_That horrible, lying, __**bastard**__!_

She couldn't hold it in any longer. She needed to let the anger out.

So she ran over to the pile of furniture, picked off a chair, and threw it down against the floor, breaking and splintering the wood.

And she _liked_ it.

So she picked up another chair and threw it down. It broke and pieces flew off, a few hitting her in the legs.

_He_

_Deserves_

_Prison._

_He_

_Lied _

_To_

_Me._

She ran over and with all her strength, tipped over an armoire, sending it falling to the floor. It broke into pieces and sent shards flying everywhere, the knobs of the door skittering across the floor to the other side of the room.

And it felt so good.

So Anna continued to break the furniture. She sent piece after piece to the floor. Chairs and dressers and armoires and settees. All over the floor.

And she could feel the sweat dripping down her back with each throw. But she didn't care.

Soon, the floor was filled with pieces of broken furniture to the point where she could barely move. But she pushed through and continued on.

_He lied to me!_

_He told me he loved me!_

_He used me!_

_I fought for him!_

_I defended him!_

_I loved him!_

_But he didn't' love me!_

_He __**lied**__!_

_And he gave up!_

Her heart rising to her throat, she choked out a loud sob.

* * *

The two women hurried down the hall, Lady Mary leading. Mrs. Hughes had no idea where she was going. But as Mary turned a corner, they began to hear very loud and extremely large bangs and crashes and thumps and cracking and breaking.

And they quickened their pace and began to run.

Before she knew it, Lady Mary had stopped in front of two double doors with a sign on the door that said 'Ballroom.'

The banging was louder and from inside, they could hear short sobs and cries along with screaming and shouting and heavy breathing.

"This is it. She's in here."

"In here? Why?"

Lady Mary put her hand on the knob, twisted, and pushed the door open, letting herself enter.

* * *

_He doesn't love me!_

_He never loved me!_

_He gave up!_

_He stopped writing!_

_He never wanted any of it!_

_I gave him everything!_

_And he gave up on everything!_

The tears were streaming down her face. She couldn't stop them.

And the anger was boiling over.

And the depression came flooding back.

And she was frustrated and scared.

And she didn't hear the door to the ball room open, nor the two sets of footsteps entering the room.

She was too caught up. Too focused on her thoughts.

And she couldn't hear the shouting of her name over the ringing of her ears and the crashing of furniture around her.

_He broke my heart._

_He lied to me and he used me._

After throwing a chair to the ground, she froze and looked at herself in the mirror.

She was red-faced and tear-streaked. Her hair was a mess. Her dress was ripped and dirty.

The ringing in her ears grew louder and louder.

She squeezed her eyes shut and covered her ears with her hands.

Still, the ringing grew louder.

More tears came and she screamed.

She glanced at herself in the mirror once again before running and grabbing another chair from the diminishing piles of furniture.

She picked it up, turned, and with all of her strength, threw it at the mirror. It hit with a loud _**bang**_, and then the entire wall of glass shattered into a million pieces. They fell to the floor with an echoing _**crash**_ and some of them flew back at Anna.

As the echoes began to fade, exhaustion swept over Anna and she collapsed to the floor amidst all of the dust and glass and broken furniture. She curled up into a ball on the floor, a piece of glass against her face, piercing the skin.

She covered her face with her hands and began to sob uncontrollably, shaking violently. She was choking on the air around her.

And then she flinched when she felt fingertips on her shoulder. She looked up through blurry tears to see a figure kneeling next to her. She didn't know who it was. And she didn't have the strength to wipe the tears away.

"Anna? Anna, it's me, Mary."

Anna tried to focus on her face, but she just couldn't. She hurt too much.

Her eyes hurt, her arms, her legs, her feet, her head, her _heart_.

"Anna?" Lady Mary's voice was as soft as her touch on Anna's shoulder but Anna still shuddered at the contact, and at the sound.

After a few more minutes of silence, Anna fought her own body and tried to speak.

"He…He lied. He ga…he gave…up."

"Who? Anna, who gave up?"

"J—John…John."

"Bates?"

"He…he doesn't…love me. He…never did. He used…me. And he…he broke me. I—I'm broken. He…he broke my—my heart. For…Forever."

_I'm broken._

_I'm shattered._


	13. Chapter 13

**Here we go...The last chapter. I'm really sorry this took so long. But here it is! Thank you so much for reading! I really hope you enjoyed the story. Let me know what you think! **

**Much Love, xoxo**

* * *

It was quiet. _Extremely_ quiet.

Anna didn't dare open her eyes.

She was alive, and she was awake. That was all she knew.

She was also lying down. She was on her back, but not on the ground. She was on something soft. And her head was being supported by what felt like a pillow.

_Where am I?_

She then decided to open her eyes. _I have to._

But when she went to do so, her eyelids were heavy and difficult for her to lift.

But she fought them open. And once she did, she immediately regretted it. She was greeted by the glaringly bright sunlight shining in through a window.

She instinctively moved her arm to shield her eyes from the light, but her arm felt heavy and sore. She lifted, but her arm fell back down to her side almost immediately. She closed her eyes again.

It was then that she realized her head was throbbing. She squeezed her eyes shut, grimacing at the pain. Her ears were also faintly ringing, a now familiar noise to her.

She sighed a shaky breath before dragging her arms behind her and pushing her body up into a sitting position. As she sat upright, the throbbing in her head grew more intense and she became dizzy. She squeezed her eyelids again and tried to focus on not moving.

However, her entire body ached and her head still spun. She felt like she was swaying or spinning and it made her feel nauseous.

_Stop._

She took a few deep breaths.

_Stop, Anna. You're fine._

She kept her eyes closed and took another deep breath. After a few minutes, the spinning sensations stopped and only the throbbing remained. She tried again to open her eyes. They were still heavy, but she managed to get them open to a squint, allowing time to adjust to the light.

Once the brightness faded and her eyes adjusted to the room around her, her vision cleared and she took in her surroundings.

She looked around, confused.

_It's my room…How did I get to my room?_

She furrowed her brow as she looked around her. She was surprised to see everything looked exactly the same, but then again, why should anything be different?

_How did I get to my room?_

She was utterly baffled. She didn't remember going to her room at all. The last thing she remembered was the ballroom.

_The ballroom….Was that just a dream?_

She looked down at herself. She was dressed in her night gown and sitting in her very own bed.

_Have I just been sleeping? Did I dream it all?_

She had to know.

She threw the blankets down to the foot of the bed to look at her feet. She gasped aloud when she saw them, covering her mouth with her hand.

They were almost completely bruised. Black and blue and shades of green and purple and yellow. They were swollen immensely as well.

Tears welled up the longer she looked at them. She then tore her eyes away and wiped her tears.

_It wasn't a dream._

She shook her head and took in a shaky breath. She choked on the air and more tears fell as she came to the realization that what had happened was real. All of the pain, the anger, the sadness. All of it was real. All of it was a part of her. All of it was _inside_ her.

She went to swing her legs over the side of the bed. As she turned her body her head spun and throbbed but she ignored it. She scooted to the edge so that her feet touched the floor instead of dangling in the air.

She took a breath and held it as the pushed herself up off of the bed and put all of her weight on her feet. Pain then shot up her body and her knees gave out, causing her to fall to the floor.

She violently winced at the pain and fought the urge to scream as she let out the breath she had been holding.

She sat on the floor for a few minutes, taking deep breaths and letting the tears fall. She silently cursed herself.

_What's wrong with you? Surely, you can stand up. It's just a little bit of pain. You can deal with it._

But the truth was that the pain she had just felt had hurt much more than any other pain in her life. It was excruciating.

_Why is it hurting so much now?_

_No…I won't let it have power over me. Pain is nothing._

So again, she took in and held a breath as she pushed herself up off of the floor.

As she stood, her legs shook beneath her and the pain never ceased, but she fought it and worked to stay upright. Her face was in a permanent grimace as she winced at the sensations racking her body. She stood still and time stood with her.

After what seemed like an eternity, she let out the breath she held. She then took in and held another as she slid her feet across the floor, making her way towards the mirror in the corner of the room.

Once she got there, she fought to keep her legs still and steady so she could take a close look at herself. She wiped the tears from her eyes that had formed involuntarily from the pain during the short shuffle across the room.

She focused her eyes on her own image in the mirror. She couldn't believe that what she was seeing was really her.

The woman standing before her was thin, and pale. She looked almost emaciated. Her gown hung off of her shoulders but just barely. Her arms were black and blue and purple all over, signs of the distress she had put her own body through. Her hair hung past her shoulders but it was dirty and dull, a polar opposite image from what it used to be.

But what shocked Anna the most was the woman's face.

Her face was pale, and her cheeks had sunken in their frames. There were dark purple half-circles under her eyes which had turned to a dark grey color instead of the bright blue they had been in the past.

But what drew Anna's attention more than anything else was the long, bright red cut along her right cheek bone. The only bright thing about her person. The only bright thing was a remnant of her destruction.

She reached a shaking hand up to her face, searching for the red line. She found it, and gently traced it with her fingertips. Tears rose in her eyes again. She dropped her hand back down to her side, closing her fingers into a fist.

_What did I do?_

She stared at herself in the mirror, trying to remember anything that had happened. The last thing she could recall was looking at herself in the ballroom mirror. After that, there was nothing.

She winced again and clenched her fists even harder as she felt her tears fall and run across the cut on her face.

But that just made her cry harder. She began to sob. Her body shook and she collapsed on the floor. She sat there, tears flowing, head throbbing, muscles aching, and body shaking.

Then, she could hear footsteps in the hall. She closed a hand around her mouth to contain the sound of her sobs. She waited to hear the footsteps pass, but they stopped in front of her door. The knob turned, and the door was opened slowly by Mrs. Hughes.

She was carrying a tray with what looked like a water basin, some cloths, as well as a glass of milk, a sandwich, and some sort of medicine.

Anna dropped her hands back down to her lap and stared as the housekeeper came into the room. And Mrs. Hughes stopped dead in her tracks when she noticed Anna on the floor. Their eyes met and all Anna could see was pity.

So Anna hung her head, ashamed of herself, and tears fell on her gown.

The housekeeper sat the tray down on the small table in the corner, and walked back towards the fallen maid. She knelt down next to her and placed a hand on her back. Anna looked up at Mrs. Hughes, her eyes overflowing with salty tears.

"Oh, Anna."

The housekeeper pulled Anna close and held her. She rocked the maid back and forth as sobs shook Anna's body.

"I'm sorry," she choked out. "I…I'm so sorry."

Mrs. Hughes continued to rock her, rubbing her back, tears escaping her own eyes. "Shhh…It's alright. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. It's all going to be alright"

* * *

The two women sat face to face in the small room: Anna on her bed and Mrs. Hughes in a rocking chair.

After helping Anna back into her bed, the housekeeper had gone back downstairs to get some tea, and Anna was now on her third cup as she sat and listened to what had happened.

"How did you know where to find me?"

"Ah. Well, that was Lady Mary. I had no clue where you could have been, but she knew right were to go."

Anna nodded her head and took another sip of her tea. "And…And what exactly was I doing?"

"Well…you were not yourself."

"Mrs. Hughes," Anna looked her directly in the eye. "What was I doing?"

The housekeeper sighed and tightened her grip on her teacup. "Anna…you were _not_ yourself. When Lady Mary and I got to the ballroom, you were…you looked _crazed_. You were running around, throwing furniture."

"And the cut on my face?"

Mrs. Hughes looked at her and glanced at the red line. "You…you threw a chair at the mirror. It…It shattered."

"And that caused a cut on my face?"

"Well, no. After you threw the chair, it was like all your energy was gone. It was as if you had just given your last bits of strength to break that mirror. And well, you collapsed on the ground. Your face was on a shard of glass. And we couldn't move you."

"Why not?"

"Well…Anna, you passed out. You were unconscious."

Anna looked down at her teacup in her hands, the liquid inside rippling because of her still-shaking hands.

_I blacked out._

"So how did I get back to my room?"

"Mr. Crawley and Mr. Branson brought you back."

Anna flushed red at the thought of having Mr. Matthew and Branson carrying her to her bedroom. And she felt ashamed and embarrassed that they had seen her like they did.

_I can't believe I let it go this far. I can't believe I let myself get this bad._

Mrs. Hughes could see the look on Anna's face, and she realized what she had been thinking. "Don't worry. Mr. Crawley and Mr. Branson didn't judge. They were concerned. Besides, I think Lady Mary would have Mr. Crawley's head if he had said anything."

Anna had to chuckle at the thought. She smiled into her almost empty teacup. But the happiness didn't last, and another wave of shame came over her. "I just don't want to be a burden."

"Oh, you could never be! Anna, look at me."

She lifted her head and there were tears in her eyes again. Mrs. Hughes reached over and took her hand. "Everyone here loves you, Anna. Everyone cares about you. We only want to see you well, and happy, and healthy. You are _not_, and _never will be_, a burden."

A small smile spread across Anna's face. She loved Mrs. Hughes. The housekeeper was like a mother to her, and she respected and admired and loved her for everything she had done for her.

But the smile faded as the sadness crept back up her spine. "I don't know how to be better. I…I don't know how to _make_ myself better."

"That's okay." Mrs. Hughes squeezed Anna's hand and gave her a soft smile. "You don't have to do it yourself. I'm here too."

Anna looked down at her hands again as she thanked the Lord for allowing her to have someone like Mrs. Hughes in her life. She truly didn't know how she would be able to carry on if it were not for the housekeeper.

"Mrs. Hughes?"

"Mhmm?"

"You once told me that a broken heart can be as painful as a broken limb."

The housekeeper smiled softly. "I remember."

"Well…you can fix broken limbs. For a broken arm, you use a sling and rest the arm to let the bone heal. But…How do you fix…What do you use to heal a broken heart?" Silent tears fell from her eyes as she waited for an answer.

Mrs. Hughes' own heart broke at the sadness she saw etched into Anna's face. She took the teacup from Anna and set it on the small table next to her, alongside her own cup. She then reached and took both of the maid's hands in her own and squeezed them tightly, but gentle.

"Time, Anna. Just give it some time."

* * *

_**Two months later**_

Things weren't normal, that was for sure, but they were okay. Anna was working again as Lady's maid and she was plenty busy which was something that she was grateful for.

With the help of Mrs. Hughes and Lady Mary, as well as Lady Sybil, she was able to talk about anything, whenever she needed to get something off her chest. She didn't want to bottle anything up anymore.

She still had not received a letter or anything from John. She could not bear the thought of even attempting to visit him. However, from what she heard from Lady Mary, Lord Grantham was working closely with Mr. Murray and they felt they were extremely close to a breakthrough in the case.

Anna didn't ask though. She didn't want to know. If it wasn't true, if they weren't close to letting him out, she didn't want to get her own hopes up for them to come crashing down again. She couldn't handle it.

She still loved him. She loved John more than anything. And it took a while, but she finally convinced herself that he still loved her. She was constantly telling herself that it wasn't his fault; he didn't choose to ignore her. He still loved her.

So at night, she would think about him. Not in the ballroom, but in her bedroom, as she fell asleep each night. She had not been to the ballroom since the incident. She knew she should make a trip to that side of the house, but she couldn't bring herself to do it just yet. Her heart was still mending.

So she went about her days, doing normal work. The glances from people had grown less and less in the passing days, but once in a while she would catch the look of pity in another's eyes. She would shrug it off, knowing it didn't matter. She knew she was doing better.

Then one day, everything changed. It was late afternoon, and Anna had been reading in the servants' hall while she had some down time before dinner.

All of a sudden, Mrs. Hughes came into to room. "Anna? Lord Grantham has requested to see you in the library."

Anna didn't know what was happening. The last time she had been called to the library, she had been told that her husband was sentenced to life imprisonment. But she closed her novel and stood anyways, making her way out of the room and up the stairs.

She got to the library to find Lord Grantham sitting at his desk. When he heard Anna come in, he stood to face her. "Anna. Good. How are you?"

"Holding up, I think." She gave him a small smile and he smiled back.

"Well, I wanted you to be the first to hear. I have just been to see Bates along with Mr. Murray. And…well, Anna, he's coming home."

Anna couldn't believe what she was hearing. He was really coming home to Downton.

_He's coming back. He's free._

However the happiness and relief disappeared just as quickly as it came. She was still filled with doubt and concern. She had not yet received any letters or word from him. There was still the chance he didn't want to see her. There was still the chance it was over. How would she know? Would she have to wait until he got there? Would it be weird and awkward once he arrived? Would she have to leave?

"Anna?"

Her attention was brought back to the present at the sound of her name. "Yes? Yes, I'm sorry. That's wonderful news. Truly."

"I understand you might be a bit wary about the situation."

She looked down and fidgeted with her fingers.

"But I think I have something here that might help that."

She looked up at him to see a small smile on his face. Then, he turned and picked something rather large up off of his desk. When he turned back towards her, Anna couldn't help but smile. In his hands was an extremely tall stack of gray envelopes she could only assume contained John's letters. The pile stood almost a foot tall and was tied together with a piece of twine.

"I believe these belong to you."

For the first time in an extremely long time, Anna smiled. A real smile. She was beaming.

_He didn't give up. He didn't lie. He didn't stop loving me._

She could feel the tears begin to rise. But these were happy tears. Not ones of sadness or anger, but happiness. So therefore, she didn't wipe them away. She stepped forward and took the stack of letters from Lord Grantham. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

"It's my pleasure. Now it will take some time to finish the arrangements, but he will be home soon, I promise you that."

A smile still spread across her face, Anna held the stack of letters with all of her might. "Thank you, Lord Grantham. Thank you."

With that, she turned and exited the library, and made her way directly to her bedroom. Once there, she sat on the bed and pulled the first envelope off of the top of the stack. She ripped it open, not taking the time to be cautious. She pulled the letter out and unfolded it, tears falling as she recognized John's handwriting.

_My Dearest Anna,_

_I am so sorry. You cannot even imagine how terrible and awful I feel. I love you._

_Lord Grantham has been here quite a bit lately and he told me that you are not well. He told me about the incident in the ballroom. Of course, he didn't have all the details. And I don't expect you to tell me everything either. _

_I just need you to know that I love you. I always have and I always will. I never stopped writing. I never gave up on getting out. I never gave up on us. My letters were not getting to you, nor were yours getting to me. I know why, but that's something I'll explain in person._

_Which brings me to the topic of my release. I'm sure you've already heard by now but I've been proven innocent. I'm innocent and I'm coming home. To you._

_I don't know exactly what you've been through these past few months but I want you to know you no longer have to suffer. I will be home shortly and we will be able to be together and be happy. I cannot wait until I get to see your face again, hold you, and kiss you._

_I love you so much, my Anna. You cannot know how much. I'm sorry. We'll be together again soon._

_With all my love,_

_Your husband, John_

Through blurry eyes she read the letter four more times before holding it tight to her chest. She couldn't stop smiling as she imagined having him home.

_He's coming home. He's free. And he loves me._

* * *

Exactly one week later, Anna sat in the car in front of the prison, waiting for John to be released. She bounced her leg in anticipation, not able to sit still. Knowing that he was only a few thin walls away was all she could think about. It was like she could _feel_ him. He was so close and all she wanted was for him to appear at the door.

All her life, she had been told that patience was a virtue. She had also been told that she had had a lot of patience. But waiting for John was testing that and she didn't know how long she would be able to sit and wait.

Thankfully, it's wasn't more than three more minutes before the wooden door to the prison behind her opened. She hopped out of the car and turned towards the sound of footsteps.

Her breath caught in her throat as she saw first a single foot, and then the rest of John appear through the doorway. She waited for so long to see him, to be with him again, and now there he was, and all she could do was stare.

But as she stared, she saw the corners of his mouth turn up into a small smile. It was then, that she couldn't contain herself. A smile spread across her face and she broke into a run.

_John._

He pulled off his hat as she got closer and tears were forming in her eyes yet again. Then, she felt his arms around her and she collapsed into his embrace. She wanted more than anything just to stay there, him holding her, never letting her go.

_He's here. He's free._

They remained in their embrace for what seemed like forever before they finally separated. Again, they just stared at each other. Anna couldn't believe he was there.

Then, John's brow furrowed as he took her face in his hands. His eyes bore into hers with such intensity that Anna had to look away. They were so close, her arms wrapped around his waist. She could feel his warmth. A warmth that she had missed more than anything.

He then slid his right hand down her neck, lifting her chin, locking their eyes yet again. Then, with his left thumb, he gently traced the thin pink line across Anna's face, the last remaining, permanent, remnant of the night in the ballroom. She searched his eyes for scrutiny or pity but all she could see was concern and love. Love that had always been there.

She closed her eyes as tears formed and leaned her face into his hand.

"Anna."

She looked at him again as he pulled her to him. Their lips met in a fierce yet gentle kiss. He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her tighter against his chest. She never wanted it to stop. She felt as though they were making up for lost time, as they stood wrapped together, lost in each other.

_John._

* * *

**_The End_**


End file.
